September 12th, 2012
Every day seems like a constant struggle. At that start of my day I have to try to decide who I want to be. I can be the solemn employee, the spiteful daughter, the cheery mother, or the uninterested wife. There's nothing in between. My moods shift from one to another like a flick of a light switch. However, somehow I still feel empty on the inside.
I try not to show it, but it's getting harder and harder every day. Especially since everyone around me seems to be a million miles away in a world I'm forbidden to enter. Janice is getting that promotion she's been working so hard for. Amanda just learned she's expecting a beautiful baby boy. And Dennis... poor Dennis, the man I share a life with. He's the furthest away of them all. He's off doing amazing things and coming home to someone who is an empty shell of herself.
I'm Clara. The empty shell. I have never truly admitted that to myself until now. Most people feel a sense of relief. Me? I feel nothing but sorrow because Dennis and Annabelle, our daughter, deserve so much more than someone who doesn't have the strength anymore to push forward.
I should leave. It's selfish of me to want to leave. They need me, even if I am a ghost of who I was. I am their rock. I can disappoint and anger and hurt, but I am still the one constant in their life.
So here I am I guess. Attempting to push forward, we shall see just how well this works for me.
September 13th, 2012
Dennis and I had an actual conversation last night. He found me crying in the garage with my journal held tight to my chest. It had to have been a sight of wonders. It's been so long since I've shown any real emotion in front of him. He's happy that I have taken some sort of step forward though. Dennis is actually going to help me try to find a therapist that will help me work through my problems. Just writing down the word therapist makes me shudder. I'll need a lot of strength to get through that day.
September 16th, 2012
Today is the day.
Her name is Dr. Ropeck. She is very excited to meet me, or so she says. The thought of just heading into her office where I will be the center of attention makes me nauseous. I have to do this though, for Dennis and Annabelle.
I've never enjoyed any type of doctor, dentist, or hospital. Mostly because all of my memories from when I was a child have to do with them... and they weren't the best memories. My mother and father were always "visiting". Either my mom cut my dad's face or my dad broke my mom's arm. There wasn't a day that went by where they weren't arguing or beating on each other. Yet neither one of them had the guts to leave the other.
I'm still not quite sure how I got out of that situation in a somewhat normal state. Maybe it is finally catching up with me.
September 18th, 2012
I haven't moved today. I've sat in the same spot all day staring at the wall in our bedroom. Dennis called his sister to come and pick Annabelle up since he had to go to work, which means I am all alone.
I know Dennis means well but I wish he wouldn't have called his sister. She took the only thing that would get me out of bed, even if it was in a zombie-like state. Now what do I do? I have no motivation, no strength, and everything is fuzzy. The side effects of the medication I was started on I guess.
Dr. Ropeck said I have a severe case of schizoaffective disorder but that it's an early diagnosis. She said, for now, she wants me to start taking medications until a spot opens up at her psychiatric clinic. Yay...
Honestly, I'm not surprised. I knew I was crazy...but now so does everyone else.
September 20th, 2012
Apparently, Dr. Ropeck mentioned to Dennis that if I am to recover from this I need to be one hundred percent focused on myself, which means I can't see my Annabelle for more than an hour a day. She's taken away my motherhood, my responsibility, the one thing that I depended on to keep my worthless life going.
Dennis has been trying to soothe my anger since I overheard his and Dr. Ropeck's conversation. I ran though. I locked myself in the bathroom. I fear that if I let myself out I will hurt someone. That's what Dr. Ropeck thinks isn't it? That I am a danger to myself and my child so I'm not even allowed to be her mother anymore. Am I worse off then I thought?
September 22nd, 2012
After spending almost two days locked in the bathroom with no food or water I had finally passed out long enough for Dennis to break open the door and get me to a hospital, or so he tells me. I don't really remember much of that.
He's also informed me that Dr. Ropeck has made some calls and wants me to go to a different clinic tonight until next week when a spot opens up at her clinic. She wants to make sure I can get the care I need before I end up hurt, or worse. I'm not allowed to take my journal in though. I won't be able to write down anything that goes on in my head while I am there...I will really be alone. No Dennis. No Annabelle. No me.