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Depression is a dark hole that consumes the brightest of people.
I've had depression as long as I can remember, it's always been with me, looming over me, a heavy suffocating space that I can't escape.
Sometimes when you're in a good place and life is being kind to you, your depression can pull you into a darker world, it feels like self sabotage and punishment. You feel isolated, scared and alone. It feels as if your entire existence is about being a slave to your darkest thoughts. There are times when I can't overcome this feeling, I have to sit with it until it passes. Currently it has lingered for months, it has transformed many times into different fears, pain and loneliness.
Sometimes people don't understand because they think that a simple fix is all it takes, but that is not always the case.
We live in a world that is busy, full of unknown horrors and promises of doom. There are two sides to every story, promises of hope too. I find myself dwelling on many problems in our society, with myself, finding my happiness and understanding I cannot control the universe. It's a fate I find overwhelming to deal with.
How can you move forward?
A few years ago I attended many different forms of therapies, the most unusual and surreal experience was hypnotherapy.
I received a form of therapy which taught me how to relax, to be still in the moment and watch my feelings like waves of the sea. In this time I was the worst I'd ever been, I could barely leave the house without passing out from panic attacks or vomiting from fear. This form of meditation is something I've recently started practicing again when my feelings are too much for me to cope with. We live in a world with one outcome but many different perspectives. We cannot see everything at all times, we don't know everything and for some people that is a daunting feeling, including myself.
Meditating has allowed me to watch my fears, it has allowed me to open up to the idea of a different perspective. Recently I managed to isolate my fears during a meditation session, it gave me my power back from the suffering of my mind. I channeled what was causing my great fear and pain into a solution that was manageable for me, what can I do to help this fear I have, how can I work towards overcoming it?
Our society is very fast paced at the moment, everything must be now, no patience. Patience is one of the strongest skills you can learn, it's what you do in between those moments that matters.
I'm not entirely healed, I don't think I ever will be. I'm going to be continuously drowned by waves for the rest of my life, but if I can learn to float it might make the struggle a little easier.