The Monster In My Head

The first time we met, it was freezing cold outside and I was wearing my school uniforms' thin pants, and an old winter jacket. I had been out there for two hours in the minus thirty weather and I couldn't feel my entire body. I was sure I was going to die, but then I heard a voice. HE came to me and simply said:

"Hello."

A simple hello was all it took to comfort me as I froze slowly from the outside in.

I didn't die. Now that I look back on it, sometimes I wish I did, because then maybe he never would have brought me to the breaking point.

This voice, at first he was kind. He complimented me when I was down, would talk back to me when I was alone; I guess you could say he was my best friend.

Until something changed him.

Soon, his compliments became insults; our conversations turned into him demanding me to harm myself or others. I don't know what changed him but no matter what I did, I couldn't ignore him.

As the years passed, he got stronger. His voice grew stronger and he became more powerful. There were times where I could no longer control him; where he would harm me and I would dissociate and watch him mutilate parts of my body.

It didn't stop there.

His voice began to infect me; poison me. He is in my dreams, turning them into nightmares. He is in my thoughts, turning them dark, he is in my day dreams, showing me crimes he demands I commit. He is consuming me, but he remains reasonable; myself, or a stranger.

If I didn't choose, he would relentlessly taunt me with images of how to hurt, maim, and even kill the selected stranger until I chose; me or the stranger.

After almost four years of him tormenting me, making me self-mutilate or starve myself for days, he told me to do something scary. He told me to do something I had been trying to do for years, but this time, I wasn’t going to screw it up. He wouldn't stop yelling at me to do it.

"Kill yourself. Kill Yourself. Kill yourself."

I had so many plans, but I didn’t know which one to choose from.

There were just so many choices…

Hang myself.

Jump in front of the metro.

Jump off the overpass into traffic.

The list went on and on until He picked his one.

Overdose.

He wanted me to overdose.

I knew it wouldn’t be hard. I was on so many meds that just refilling my medications gave me enough to pull it off. So, I refilled my prescription and clutched the bag and went home.

Then I felt a tug inside myself.

Something inside me told me to stop. Something inside me begged me to get help so I packed up the pills and got on a bus, heading to the only place I knew I needed to go.

The hospital.

He used all of his strength to try and stop me but I kept pushing and pushing. I didn't want him to win. I didn't want to be under his command again.

Not again.

I made it to the hospital, as He screamed at me, showing me the forest of images he could conjure and forcing my brain to trigger hallucinations.

I was at the breaking point by the time I saw the nurse, and he knew it.

They took me in.

They saved me from him.

I knew the war wasn't over, but this battle had been won.

This Monster in my head still lives there, but I can control him. Sometimes.

But they have medication for that.