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I have OCD!
Some of you know it, some of you don’t, well now you do!
When I say I have OCD, I mean I have Obsessive Compulsive DISORDER! Not that I get a little OCD about cleaning (I don’t by the way). Although I am bad when it comes to food hygiene and touching food. I mean I have a disorder, a disability, something that puts me at a disadvantage to others. I take medication to control this illness and I probably will for the rest of my life.
How does this affect me? Well imagine you have an itch, let’s say on your nose, so you scratch it right? Well, what happens if you don’t scratch it? The itch is there, it gets stronger, it’s all you can focus on, suddenly your world narrows down to that itch! And you know that if you scratch it, it will be ok. But then finally you scratch it, and you feel better.
For me, I get that itch, but the itch is an idea, a thought, and interest. It could be a new hobby, it could be a person, it could be an apple donut. But whatever it is I must scratch it! If I don’t, it gets worse, and can be the only thing I think about, because I simply cannot think of anything else! It consumes me.
But here’s the kicker, most of the time, when I do act upon this itch or this new obsession, it draws more attention! Like a drug! Just one more hit and I’ll feel better, but I don’t. Like a drug, it grows stronger and continues to be the focus of my existence. I can live on an hour sleep a night for weeks at a time because this obsession is constantly running through my mind. When I am indulged in the obsession, I am happy, I am relaxed, I can shut out everything else, I have peace of mind!
What can make things that extra fresh level of hell is when I get not one, but two different obsessions! Then they play off against each other. I’ll start working on one of them, and the other will start invading my thoughts. Then I can’t concentrate on the first obsession because I need to focus on the second obsession and vice versa!
I know what I am doing isn’t right! I know that hyper-focusing on one thing, shutting out friends and family, is self-destructive. When I am compelled to spend money that enables this obsession. Or when I constantly go on about it or work the subject into any conversation. Or when I drift off altogether in my own world. I know inside what I am doing but I CAN’T HELP IT! Very much like a blind man can’t see!
I must scratch that itch!
So, when I do get excited. And I start going on about that thing for the hundredth time. Or I disappear for a few days! or don’t seems to be listening to what you are saying, believe me when I say I am trying. I am spending every minute of the day to try and maintain the compulsion to sink into the obsession. And I am trying not to disappear into that world. Don’t get angry at me, don’t take offense, I am not being rude or insensitive, or antisocial, or anything like that.
Think of that itch on your nose, think about not scratching it and how uncomfortable it is! That is how I feel, I promise I do try and restrain myself and I promise that I am not out to cause harm.
I have OCD!