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The Panic Room

A Self-Written Letter

By James BrownbackPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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If I were to be asked the question, "What does a common panic attack feel like from your perspective?" I would say, "It is kind of like being left outside, overnight, during a winter's storm. When you realize that you are locked out of your home, the loneliness truly starts to become a reality. The adrenaline now begins to fade away and your frostbitten fingers tips are tingling. Suddenly, fear is my best friend and I begin to lose air in my lungs." Here I am once again alone with nothing but rampant thoughts and claustrophobia because in that moment, I am vulnerable. A quick life lesson here... you will make it through this visit to the Panic Room and you will learn to shut off those rampant thoughts.

I always try to remind myself that my life, our lives for that matter, are limited. Somewhere up in midair we are all just a number with a timer ticking down until we are meant to run out. It's quite depressing, but I feel, especially as someone who has struggled such a long period of time with mental illness, that it is my job to be able to get my word out there. We have to drill this into our minds because it shows us, as humans, how important it is to live every moment. My goal is to wake up every morning with a quote in my mind, which happens to be one of my favorites: "Expect nothing, appreciate everything." Damn, that quote is hella motivational. Maybe I'll get it tatted. It would be therapeutic because once the wound heals I would have a constant reminder that I am a survivor.

My years of experience with anxiety and these constant visits to the Panic Room have taught me numerous things. A quality over quantity type of thing. Now, I am better at detecting an attack before it blows up like C-4. I will truthfully tell you right now that during a good junk of my past I absolutely struggled with the common, "bottle it all up till it explodes" syndrome. This took ample time and patience. I am constantly making progress. The state of heart that I have is one that says, "even though I am accomplishing things, there is always room for improvement." Teenage years are so strange, like one day you're so happy and could conquer the world but then the next day you're mad at the world and Nirvana's "Teenage Spirit" blasts on repeat in your skull throughout the school day. The circle of life, am I right? It is so easy for you when you're that young to give in to the pressure. You want to get yourself together but there's a stoplight in your mind. For myself, it was always a deep blue feeling. I would wake up numb and go to bed numb just to fit in.

There's something about overcoming a panic attack that is a Godsend. Also, I don't believe that there is anything more blissful than being able to bound with someone, whether it be a friend, spouse, cousin, etc, who is going through or has gone through these struggles. That is something that I will forever be grateful for. When you start to see the tiniest bits of light within your darkest clouds, strength comes into play... inhale your triggers and exhale the hopefulness that you can and will make it through this. Once you are able to build up enough strength to let your mind know that these feelings of anxiousness, shakiness, and shortness of breath are nothing but temporary obstacles. Sooner rather than later you will be able to watch your anxieties fade back into the darkness.

As always,

James

panic attacks
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