The Perks of Being an Introvert

I suppose it's partly—well, fully my fault for feeling so isolated and alone at times. People said that eventually I'll grow out of my comfort zone and begin to crawl out of my shell, wanting to explore what is out there for me. I grew up with lips locked and pen in my hand, pouring my heart out on blank pages of paper as the air consumed my unsaid words spoken from my lips. It's all I've known to do my whole life. I’ve become the master of daydreaming my days away with what they called "nonsense," wishful thinking of what the 20 year old woman me would be like. A teacher? Artist? Photographer? Model? Author?

I wanted to so badly believe their words. I wanted to believe that the older I got, I would be able to slowly drift away from my shyness because they said, "eventually I'll grow out of my comfort zone and begin to crawl out of my shell." But, that day never came.

I'm turning 20 in a month and a half, and I am nowhere close to being where I want to be or whom I wanted to be. I've recited unsaid feelings and thoughts inside my head for all my life, but each time I try to explain myself, I can't help but feel anxious.

I hate it. I hate the fact that my face turns red and my lips begin to quiver, words stumbling along the way every time I am attempting to speak my mind in front of a classroom full of people. I hate how my voice goes two pitches higher and my eyes begin to fall to the ground, ashamed that I had everything in my head and yet, I can't properly express my thoughts out loud. I hate all the eyes on me and the pressure of accidentally saying something wrong.

Some days, I'm fine. I could talk naturally and actually feel like I want to participate in life and try again. Some days, I could really bring my inner jokes to others and have a couple of good laughs with friends and family. Some days, when I’m in a really good mood, I’m able to give strangers compliments and a word or two to boost up their confidence.

But, most days, I just want to be alone. I want to sulk in bed and talk in my head about things that I don't have the courage to tell people. Most days, I shut the world off and continue to live in my thoughts. Most days, I find myself with a pen, inking in my journal; full of heavy words that are better off just for my own eyes to read. Most days, I ignore any kind of human contact whenever I’m on campus; eyes on the ground, headphones in, get in, get out and go home as soon as I’m done with all my classes that day.

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I'm at the top of the world and I could do anything when it really comes down to it, but most days...

I feel like I'm back at square one, taking baby steps and sometimes, I can't even get myself back up from my self-destruction and it sucks. You would think that you would learn from your inner demons and that happiness is the cure to it all, but I’ve realized that it has the same long and weary effect sadness has too. Being a little bit too much of both can drain you to your very core.

And maybe one day, I'll have the courage to be one with life and peace will follow along. But, as of right now, this is a battle I have to keep fighting for myself.