The Quitter Chronicles

I've dropped out of school way too many times to count. I graduated late, at the age of 21. Boy, did that ever hurt my self-esteem. I'd log into Facebook and see people posting university or college grad photos, while I was trying not to die off the pills I took. This feeling would make me take more pills. Probably take another big gulp of Bombay, too. You obviously don't know my story, but you'll learn my history soon. I'm three years into recovery. I only consume vaporized nicotine and synthesized caffeine now.

Ever since I started using, almost ten years ago, I started failing. I was kicked out of school for attendance numerous times. I was then kicked out of ALTERNATIVE school, for fuck's sake. I lost shitty jobs from being too hungover, or still intoxicated on shift. I lost relationships from turning into someone I wasn't while intoxicated. The bottom line: everything I've ever held onto, I've let slip between my fingers. So why bother, right?

As often as I would pray to meet the Grim Reaper, something also made me speak to a higher power. When I got clean, I started praying daily. I don't know how to speak to people about what goes on inside my head, so it was almost like therapy. To this day, I still pray at night, thanking my higher power for my sobriety. Still though, I would fail. I would get a taste of what I'd ask for, only to watch it disappear. So why bother, right?

It's been a bumpy road. As an addict, my brain fires signals that tell me, numerous times, to get fucked up. These thoughts occur at very stressful times, or for no reason whatsoever. I dream about it, I daydream about it, I drool over it. One drop, one drug. Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. Yet somehow, I've fought these thoughts for years. They haven't gone away, but they have subsided a bit. So why bother, right?

I've had to move so many times since I got sober, I'm the definition of nomad. I've had to move because others moved, I've had to move because of garbage roommates, and I've had to move because I could not stay any longer. I kept failing at finding a home, so why bother right?

I decided that I was tired of not doing anything and living off welfare, so I got into college. I took a program that I got into when I was 19, yet didn't start because I dropped out. I made the mistake of not working while I was in school, so that left me with a huge chunk of debt. Half a year later, I still haven't found work in my field. All I wanted to do was be a personal trainer and help change lives. I wanted to help other addicts get better through exercise and diet. I want to save people. Yet the handful of gyms I've been contacted by didn't want me. One gym waited months to contact me back, asking me to come in, finally. After a day, I was told that I didn't have enough experience leading fitness classes. My resume shows that I have no experience in group fitness (I actually despise it), so why would you expect that of me? It was a huge let down, and it's making me regret my decision. I like giving ALL my attention to one person. That is the therapeutic service I want to offer people. Yet no gym wants me. I always felt bad for people who took a uni or college course that didn't work out, causing them huge amounts of debt. Yet so far, that's what's happened to me. So many doors shut on my dream, so why bother, right?

I've wanted to end this journey so many times. I've pictured my wrists bleeding out somewhere secluded. I've pictured myself walking into a moving car. More often than not, I've thought about overdosing off something that would give me some sort of emotional closure. Yet something in me keeps me going. When I feel like I'm being crushed by my past mistakes, and my grim future, I remember I'm sober. It's LITERALLY the only thing I have going for myself. Year after year I hope it get's better, but it's taking forever. I'm making progress, but it's very, very slow. Who knew gifts of sobriety could take so fucking long to unwrap? I know good things take time, but I was addicted to methamphetamines for five years, I need things as fast as I can get. I knew it would take time, but not this long. Why do I bother? Maybe it's to make a point. Maybe it's to make another addict see the value in their perseverance. Maybe it's so see the value of small successes. Maybe it's to save a life.

I'm still trying to figure it out. Keep checking back for more motivation, and to learn more about my journey of sobriety, bit by bit!