The Reality of Being the Wife of a Depressed Man

As trained counsellor (who practiced privately for five years) it's almost expected that I have myself completely "together." You wouldn't believe the amount of times I've been told that I "must have my Mental Health really sussed!" and even more so that my relationships are happy, healthy and have absolutely NO Problems! Ha-ha! What a pile of crap!!

I don't suffer from depression... but I do still experience the odd anxiety attack (which I suffered from to a much worse extent when I was in my early teens).

Thankfully, due to therapy (and then my own counsellor training), I am confident in my ability to process my own thoughts and feelings and deal with any negative mindset I go through. I suffer from low moods (like most people), I over-think, I stress about the small stuff as well as the big stuff, and I feel and experience emotions to a ridiculous degree: sadness, happiness, jealousy, fear, anger... you name it!

So the irony is in my early 20s, when I started to "hang out" with my now husband, and it became apparent that he suffered from depression... I didn't run a mile because I knew that I was already well enough embroiled in Mental Health issues.

I just felt the little flutter within my heart that I knew was likely to spread and also I'm sure the desire to "help" him (this was when I was in the early stages of my counselling training, and before I fully understood ethics, boundaries, and transference).

Fast forward at least 12 years, interspersed with fears, tears, and frustration over his constant belittling of his abilities, his stress of work, his mood swings (all directed inward), and we're married almost three years, living the "adult life" which involves renting a house, being doggy parents, and working full time and the depression is still there obviously... mixed in with anger at his situation (work).

So here is the reality of being the wife of a depressed man!

Please note: this list is reflective of my current thoughts/experiences: relates to me personally (and my situation) and is in no way exhaustive

1. You can't change how he thinks or feels about himself (or his situation).

Only he can do that, and irrespective of whether he is in therapy or on medication(s) , his thought processes will vary and change many times over the course of his days/months/years

2. How he behaves towards you during his depressive phases is not a reflection of how he feels about you.

His mood—be it reactive or not so much—is reflective of his own thoughts and feelings and you're just the unlucky party who is in the firing zone... and most certainly will always be so!

3. Reacting badly such as slamming doors, shouting at him in frustration, and other angry behaviours from you won't really change matters (although they may make you feel better sometimes, or give him a momentary 'shake' to make him realise that there's someone else within the situation).

I still have these reactions and generally they don't do anything but make me cry in frustration, mutter angrily to myself in another room, go into the back yard to stomp around, or hug my dog in frustration and feel that our marriage will never survive.

4. Remember that: 'This too shall pass.'

I am in no way belittling depression—believe me I'm not! I see the reality of it every day. I know that even when he's smiling, laughing, and appears to be happy, that in his mind the little depressed wheel turns and the negative thoughts aren't far away!

But I also know that even when he doesn't see it or seem to display it, that I am important to him, that he values me and our marriage, and that he is still "with" me. He needs me as much as I need him... probably more so actually! I now try to draw on my faith and turn to God for even more comfort during these times!

5. He needs you to support him, in whatever way works at that particular time.

For instance, sometimes just making tea and food is enough for that day. It may feel annoying to you but it helps (so I'm told).

6. You need to be prepared for the days he's unresponsive.

I struggle with this one and generally I refer back to point 3 and do all of these things. I get pissed off that I'm the one spending my weekend cooking, cleaning, and generally getting the silent treatment as I do EVERYTHING, whilst he moves from the sofa, to the bed, and back again at various points in the day **I must rise above and remember Point 4**

7. Remember that this is a disease, as much as any other.

Telling him to "give yourself a shake" (as my mother would say) is like pouring gasoline on the fire, and helps no one! You're not making excuses for his behaviour... and if he uses his depression to be downright nasty then I'd definitely suggest having a good calm discussion with him when the time is right!

• Remember you are not his therapist (even if like me you're qualified).
• Be sensible and don't try to be his therapist... even if he's asking you why you can't help him. (I've explained this to him many times.)
• You can listen, advise, give your opinion... but he needs to see a professional that isn't a friend or relative... for both your sakes!

8. Practice self-care.

Finally, practice self-care... You are not his carer. Don't feel guilty when the need to leave the room (or the building ) is necessary.

When these moments get overwhelming, please, please, please do something for you... run a bath, read, go to church, cook or bake, walk the dog, etc... My dog has become a lifeline at times. Popping her in the car and taking a long walk (longer than she'd even want) has helped me cope better this past month when his depression has been very evident!

I don't know if any of you experience similar as the partner of a depressed person, or maybe you are the depressed spouse and this gives you a little insight to the other person—perhaps this actually is an annoying thing to read—I welcome all responses, just politely remind you that this is personal to me, and my thoughts on the subject!

Let me end this by saying that I love my husband. However, I do sometimes question the strength of our relationship based on his moods and that is a human reaction I'm working on.

My coping mechanisms vary with my own moods... I'm human as I've said before. No one is superhuman and every time his depression makes me question us and our life together, for instance when he decides to chip at my own insecurities (albeit unknowingly—but that's for another post).

I really question the strength of character I have to stick this out... Then the darkness in his mind dissipates and I remember the man I love is still there!

xx