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There is a thick line between the people that pretend in order to get attention and the people that really experience it. Is it something you did? Something you're going through? Or is it really something that your brain just does to you because it's an asshole?
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why I'm feeling this way and what I did to deserve this. I can't seem to figure out what I did and I don't believe that I deserve to be feeling this way. The craziest part of it all is that trying to figure it all out, as to why I feel this way, is only making it worse.
My stress levels are so high! My sleep and appetite is disrupted. I keep having very vivid dreams about dying. The dreams are just that, though, just dreams. When I'm awake, I don't have any suicidal thoughts or anything like that. It's some way my subconscious is trying to sabotage me and it's only messing up my sleep even more.
Last week, I was on my period and it hurt my body and my mind so bad that I quit my job. It literally felt like my uterus was exploding. My back hurt so bad, I could hardly move. All my joints and muscles were tense and cracking. My head was pounding non stop. My emotions were a whirlwind of borderline bipolar disorder. I had things to do, but couldn't do them. I was disabled by PMS and no amount of over the counter medication could help.
Now, in this moment, I'm no longer on my period, so the pain has slightly subsided. But my emotions are off the charts all over the place. My motivation is very low to non existent. My anxiety level is through the roof. I'm still experiencing rapid changes in my mood. I can't seem to shut my brain up enough to relax and calm myself down.
My family is the type that finds all these problems fake and for attention. What they don't realize is that when I am like this, I don't want attention. I want to be left alone in my misery, all by myself. The reason I bring it up to them is to seek help by socializing. I think that that might help me feel better. Because of the fact that they think these disorders aren't real, socializing with them only makes it worse. They just sit there and tell me to stop crying and get over it or that they have their own problems to worry about. I think it's people like that that make the whole situation worse. How would they feel if this disorder lands me in the hospital or worse, death. What would they say then? That I should have seeked help? That I should have come to them for support? How do you seek support in people when they don't care enough to help?
More recently, I've been having appetite issues. That's a new one for me. Yesterday, I ate three bites of a hot dog and two bites of some rice. That's it. I can't believe that in an entire day, that's all I ever attempted to eat. Today, I tried eating some mac and cheese; two bites and now I don't want it anymore. My smoking has been about a pack and a half a day. Last night, I got maybe three hours of sleep. I'm really not sure of the actual amount due to the fact that every time I rolled over, I was way too awake and struggled to fall asleep again.
I was supposed to go to my brother's house for a Christmas party today. He lives about an hour (80 miles) away. The roads were so icy that it took me 30 minutes just to drive from my house to the interstate, which is probably only like 10 miles. I already started having an anxiety attack by driving on such crappy roads. So I called my mom, crying, and told her I was going home. Now that I am home and safe, I'm super upset that I'm missing the family Christmas party.
I cannot win right now and it makes me feel terrible. But unfortunately, I can't eat my feelings away and I can't just sleep it off like I used to. I am in serious credit card debt that I can't pay, so those are now about two or three months overdue. I have all my other bills like rent and car payments to pay and I don't make enough money to pay those either. And because recently my mental health is more of an issue, I'm currently not working.
I know that in the end, it will all work out for the best. I have to keep telling myself that. I think it helps to not stress so badly and to remember to take deep breaths. And don't forget, it is okay to cry or have a melt down. People might judge you, but it could be all you need to feel a little better. Writing this blog right now, it's helping me feel better. It's good to write about how you feel. Or if you prefer to talk it out, don't be afraid to seek a therapist. There is nothing wrong with therapy.
Don't be like me and just stew in the mess. Seek real professional help.