The Rise in Mental Health Issues

I hear it daily. If it isn't from my own mind, it is from people that I know or people I work with. Every day is a struggle to get up. Every day, it is harder and harder to imagine what life is like without a constant and never ending struggle. I see it. I hear it. I live it.

I already start at a disadvantage. I have multiple mental health issues, including bipolar II, anxiety, and social anxiety. Pretty sure there are a few other issues thrown in there to make it a perfect storm. I am predisposed for it (thanks to genetics).

But genetics doesn't control all of it. Situational triggers can throw you into a spin. Being bipolar, I also have a knack for getting into tight spots unwittingly and facing consequences due to those actions. But pretend for one second I was not already predisposed to have certain things throw me over the edge of sanity. Let us take the diagnosis off the table and let me share my life with you over the past year.

In November of last year, a long term relationship, which I am willing to admit was toxic anyway, dissolved when he left me for another woman. In doing so, he saddled me with a deteriorating home I had never wanted and a minor gap in my income.

I live a lonely life. I don't really have friends local to me so I was suffering a great deal from this loss. I did what somewhat normal people do and turned to the internet for solace. In doing so, I met another man in my same position. We were cut from the same cloth. As much as I attempted to stay aloof from him, I bonded to him. He could not say the same to the degree I was but he cared about me (in his words).

We slept together... a lot. Almost like inviting the devil to do his dirty work, I melded into his life seamlessly. He pursued me and I bent over backwards for him. Then I found out I was pregnant. He was thrilled. I had a panic attack. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was like being at the gallows and seeing the noose floating above my head, only I had the choice to walk away.

In the following week, he was happy and making plans. I was just trying to survive some horrible pregnancy symptoms. A week later, his ex walked back into this life and threw me out... me and my unborn. I offered an abortion but it never really was in me to carry through with that. He said I wasn't alone. He would be there. But he wasn't.

So I dive into my depression, taking solace in the dark thoughts there. It is not just me anymore though so I suffer through everything, very much alone in the battle. The trailer I was living in deteriorated to such a degree that it was unlivable. I knew I had to get out, regardless of the sacrifices I would have to make to my credit. So I beg and plead for help from everywhere and get nowhere.

Last ditch effort finds me a simplistic little duplex I can move into with one of my single pathetic checks. So I move, having to abandon many of my personal belongings due to being on rest as I had a bleed at 17 weeks. They are just things. I don't mourn for them.

You would think the tale is tragic enough, at this stage. Surely but surely, nothing else can go wrong. Through this raging depression, I managed to keep my job (I had finally been promoted after a year of hard work but the promotion came without additional money). Less than a week after I move, my promotion is gone. I am sent back to my original position. Not because I had done anything wrong but because the company had a merger and the new manager thought it would be a better idea to hire two highly inexperienced people in my position instead of it being me.

I take this on the chin. It hurt me deeply but I figure it is par for the course for how this year has shaped up. Pick up, move on, take your Prozac, do your therapy, and try to just hang in there. After all, you have a little girl on the way and you have fought so hard for everything. You did it on your own with just a bit of support from your mom.

The merger, as it turns out, was a death knell for too many of us. To rid themselves of the hold overs, they began to systematically abuse us to the point where there are active EEOC complaints going on about their behavior. That, in itself, would make a novel of how not to behave toward employees.

It becomes more and more difficult to work but I also notice my health is starting to become an issue. For a few weeks prior, I had arm numbness. Then it seemed to settle in my wrist. Pain... pain is all I can say or see. Being a desk jockey, having your dominant hand out of commission is due to cause problems. But no one listens. ER says sprain; PCP doesn't even question it and says wear a brace for two weeks; two weeks with zero improvement and urgent care says carpal tunnel induced by pregnancy.

Without the brace, my hand swells up painfully and I lose dexterity. I am not put on any pain meds because all I can take is Tylenol and it doesn't even scratch the surface of the suffering. In the midst of this glory, I magnificently fail my gestational diabetes test. I went for the highest number I could get to, apparently, like losing this game was fun. No doubt, I now have gestational diabetes.

Cue a whole dietary change ten weeks before giving birth. The next person you meet that has diabetes under control, congratulate them because it is one of the most difficult tasks I have ever undertaken. The threat looms for insulin and it is difficult enough to prick my finger three times daily for a sugar check. And still my wrist persists, though at least now it looks like I have a cause, the GD.

For a kind of minor side move, I have to have a lump under my arm looked at by a surgeon. It swells on and off and is now the uncomfortable size of a golf ball. Figure to kill two birds with one stone and ask about my wrist and for something, anything to be done for it. The pain is excruciating. Lump turns out to be extra breast tissue (yes, I have a boob in my armpit) and it will continue to be problematic until removed. Removal will be a month after my daughter is born. Simple day surgery and not my first.

The wrist gets referred to an orthopedic surgeon. Time, time, time... I see doctors more than I see anyone else. My daughter is monitored weekly. I can have five appointments in a week easily. I lost the ability to work a month ago. I did the responsible thing and put in for short term disability. Today, it was denied because no one could be bothered to do their jobs.

My water is off again. I have almost no income. I am doing all of this alone. I have to beg for charity when I have fully protected myself for just such instances as this surprise. You know what bothers me the most about all of this... it isn't just me suffering.

You see, this is where we are in life, in this world. I am surrounded by it. Few have too much, many have enough, and the majority have not enough. Is it because I did something less than someone else? No, as I have a college degree and a professional designation in another field that I love. I didn't do less. I take no prisoners in my bid for excellence. Genuinely, life has other plans for me. No amount of hard work is going to fix what happened this year. It won't save my job which had me barely scraping by.

There will be those that sit in judgment thinking, "How can you bring a child into this?" I ask myself this sometimes. With few exceptions, little of this was within my control. I attempted to be a good person, work hard, and not ask for anything from life. The amount of things that have kicked me while I was down has been extraordinary. I cannot stress this enough... it isn't just me.

This is how life snowballs. To my coworker who lost his 3-year-old son and now finds it difficult to leave the house. To my best friend who beat cancer but now finds herself struggling and I have never known anyone as strong or caring as she is. To another coworker who just got the all clear on cancer but has other health concerns. To the people that sleep on the streets because they have nowhere to go. To my mom who has almost no mobility left but still helps her daughter. To my unborn daughter who has a father that never genuinely cared or loved her and who makes no effort to be a part of her life. What is there to be happy about anymore?