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The Start of the Fall

The Truth Inside of Me

By Vanessa Cherron RiserPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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You know that moment when you reach the top of a roller coaster? The one when the train stops and lets you question all your life choices? It is a split second before 90 seconds of chaos.

For some it is a mix of excitement and joy, making them laugh and squeal in the pleasure of it all. They lift their arms in the air and feel free. However, for others, it is a feeling of terror and anxiety, causing them to scream and cling to the safety bar.

Even those who fear the ride usually step off of it happy from the experience. They had braved their fears, conquered them, and released some of the pressure inside of them.

Now back to that moment, that tiny breath of a second where the ride teeters over the edge of that first hill, the one where you question, beg, stop breathing at the thought of what is about to come. No matter which type of ride person you are, we all feel it.

That is the feeling I started to have about seven years ago. It was when the panic attacks began. I had suffered from short bouts of anxiety before, but nothing substantial, nothing like this. And while I had always battled depression, the anxiety was a new demon coming to dance in my head.

I was very young when I fell in love and young still when I started my family. For years the saying was, “We will make it. We always do.” It was a statement that got us through a lot of difficult times for a very long time. We were a pillar of a happy family that could seemingly make it through any problem, and we did for many years.

Then about seven years ago, the beliefs in those once precious words started to waver, just like the roller coaster ride. Sure, on the outside, we still seemed like the happy couple we always had been. But things were not quite so happy. He had started to pull away, spending more and more time out of the house with his friends and less with me. Many nights I spent my nights alone, and it started to tear me apart.

There was no loss of love. I still loved him, and despite how much he was hurting me by accident, he loved me. There are times that I still wonder if he loves me more than I did him. Though, I am sure that is the anxiety and depression that makes me feel that way.

However, the loneliness I felt only fed into that teetering dread. I could see the impending fall and felt helpless to stop it. I wanted to be loved, touched, and appreciated for more than just keeping the house put together. I wanted to be a wife and a lover, and I wanted him to be a husband and show me that same affection. However, a rift had split between us and it didn't seem like it could ever be mended.

There were times when things were wonderful. No matter how much we were being pulled apart as lovers, our friendship remained strong. We worked well together, and we enjoyed many of the same things. The friendship seemed to endure even through my pain. However, even that couldn't last. There was only so much pain any relationship could withstand.

So like the roller coaster, I gripped to that safety bar, praying that I could save myself from the ride before me. The demons in my head grew louder and more powerful. The depression and anxiety gave way to anger, jealousy, and despair.

I could feel my whole world crashing down around me, and all I wanted to do was save it. The problem is, you can't stop the roller coaster when it reaches that first peak. No, you have to take a deep breath and hold on tight until the ride is over.

Still in the Dark- The Truth Inside of Me 1

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About the Creator

Vanessa Cherron Riser

Vanessa is a wife and mother who loves games, books, movies and more. In 2015 she made a commitment to health and fitness which she wishes to share with others.

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