The Things Suicide is Not: Cowardly, Weak or Selfish

“Suicide doesn’t happen to selfish people, it happens to depressed ones. We can’t keep calling something that people have no control over 'selfish.' It’s selfish of us to tell them “feel better” or “just be happy.”

This issue here is something that really hits close to home; on December 15th of last year I had a close friend commit suicide. How do I know suicide isn't a selfish act or something to gain more attention? It's simply because she was one of the most selfless human beings I've ever had the honour of knowing. There honestly wasn't a selfish bone in her body. This article is actually really hard to write because her death is still so fresh in my mind.

Let's start with her backstory, she was married and widowed in less than a year of her marriage. Her husband, Melvin, was actually my former Taekwondo instructor, I was pretty close to both of them. When Melvin died in an unforeseen accident it hit everyone hard, but especially her, because he passed on their first Valentine's Day together. The thing is, she was everyone's rock, and to this day I can't think of a stronger human being than Audrey.

In the end, she spent so much time looking after other people. To the point of quitting her job, in order to run her late husband's Taekwondo school. She was a nationally ranked competitor also, but imagine working in the place and being reminded of a loss that's so painful that you couldn't even google the words to describe the pain. While at the same time being reminded of that pain each and every day for years and staying strong in order to deal with everyone's pain around you. Due to thinking that her pain was irrelevant compared to others. There's a lot more to the story, but it's personal so I'm not going to disrespect her memory and talk about it.

Suicide is far from a being a cry for attention or a selfish act. Having a degree in psychology, having been certified in suicide prevention, and having a mental health issue myself, I know what it's like feeling alone to the point of thinking that no one cares about your problems. I also know the frustrations of being there for others but when you need them, they're nowhere to be found!

When someone feels like they need to end their life, that's a huge thing. I've thought about it a few times, years ago when I was going through a really bad time in my life. I decided to get help and ignore the negative things that people would say, thinking that I shouldn't let someone's lack of understanding and education dictate whether or not I would improve my life.

Stigma plays a role in why people don't come forward and admit having suicidal thoughts. Not wanting to burden others and thinking about the negative reactions that people may have makes people hesitant when seeking help; reactions such as saying 'it's for attention' or 'suck it up, everyone has problems,' 'suicide is the cowardly way to deal with it,' and many other unwanted, ignorant statements regarding a topic that they know absolutely nothing about.

What's actually pathetic about the way people stigmatize mental health and suicide, you may ask? This should be fairly self-explanatory, but the thing is, for some reason it actually isn't in today’s world. We live in a very apathetic world. Instead of me explaining what I mean by that, and how stigma reinforces self-stigma, maybe you should think about it for five or ten minutes before continuing to read the remainder of this article!

As a whole, what can we do to make sure that people don't feel ashamed of themselves for wanting to end their lives? Not everyone has a University degree in Psychology and a background working in Mental Health and Addictions, like myself. That does not mean that you can’t help.

1. When you know someone who is thinking about this or might be thinking about this, what you need to do is make sure that you don't do or say anything to belittle them. Such as treating their problems as though they are irrelevant and not acknowledging how their problems affect them.
2. If you do not have an educational background in the fields of, Psychology, Mental Health Treatment, Human Services, Addictions Services, certification in Non-Violent Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention, you are not a qualified professional, your main concern should be helping the person understand the importance of proper therapeutic, psychological and medical interventions that are in place. In order to effectively help them, get them to the proper people who are qualified to help them.
3. Like I have stated above, not everyone has a degree in Psychology, but you don't need a degree to enroll in the Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training course. It's a great course, I have taken it twice, and it's offered to anyone who wants to take it. Their website is https://www.suicideinfo.ca/workshop/asist/ which is a non-profit organization.
4. Not being condescending, and showing empathy, instead of making the person feel like they are a bad person for having those impulses. Remember that for someone to actually communicate they're feeling suicidal takes a lot of courage.
5. If you are one of those people who think mental health is a joke and irrelevant, try putting your personal feelings aside and getting the proper help instead of ignoring it and walking away from the situation
6. Not having the “self-proclaimed expert” mentality, thinking that because you went through things or know someone who went through issues that you know more than a qualified medical professional.

On the other side of the coin, if you have suicidal impulses, you need to first fully understand that regardless of what negative opinions you hear, regardless of those opinions being on various forms of social media, or anywhere else within society, don't let those opinions dictate your well-being.

Seek help, not just help from anyone, but a person who is certified on suicide prevention and has a Psychology degree. When it comes to Audrey, my friend who committed suicide, what absolutely kills me to this day and till the day I leave this earth is that I had the qualifications to help her. I actually kind of blame myself for not being there for this person who shaped me in so many ways. What I'm trying to say is, you're not being a burden, people who have an educational background in psychology, medicine, addictions, mental health support, nursing and pharmacology are there to help you, so it's not being a burden. I would have done anything to help Audrey, especially knowing that I could be talking about her in the present tense and not the past tense, if I had only known.

Be sure to understand relapse prevention; relapsing isn't just “falling off the wagon”. It also has to do with why you go back to any unhealthy habit, whether the habits are psychological, behavioural, dietary, or emotional. Understanding why you do what you do, and react how you do is the first step in understanding how you can put various types of medical and psychological interventions in place in order to effectively strengthen your coping skills and knowledge to be better prepared and educated.

As an example: you can't fix a flat tire until taking the proper steps to understand how to change the tire, while also having the proper tools and skills to successfully change it. Even though that's a very basic example, it shows that understanding the problem is the first step to learning what medical and psychological tools you need to effectively fix the problem.

Society today needs to be more understanding. Especially when it comes to dealing with mental health issues and suicide. We need to be respectful of the things people go through, instead of looking down on others for the things that they struggle with.

"The only shameful thing about mental illness is the stigma attached to it. A lack of understanding when it comes to these disorders can leave sufferers feeling isolated and hopeless. Only 25 percent of people with mental health issues feel that people are caring and sympathetic toward their struggles"

The same rule applies for suicidal tendencies. People really should start taking a long hard look at themselves, and the damage they directly and indirectly cause. Anyone who turns their back on another person when they're in need–especially if they have the ability to help–should be embarrassed by their lack of taking the proper steps to assist another person. Especially when that person's life is at stake, and they ignore it or treat it as if it were some kind of joke.