The Truth About Depression

I guess we all have an idea of what depression is. We're all told about how it makes people sad or withdrawn. The media attempts to give us an unrealistic overview of how it all really is. Of course I cannot speak for everyone. This is my (very unromantic) experience.

Every story always seems to start the same. I was a normal child with an average life, unfortunately the world doesn't like to keep it that way. Events took place that changed the way I would soon to see the world.

At 16 I was at the peak of my depression. It's not glamerous or mysterious like the films make it look. Depression is not showering for days, even weeks just because you don't have the energy or motivation to move. Depression is wanting to see people and making plans but cancelling last minute just because you're too tired. In fact, your relationships deteriorate before your eyes and there's nothing you can do about it.

I lost everyone close to me because of my new way of thinking. I made mistakes and choices that they would never understand.

I went to sleep wishing to not wake up. I wasn't suicidal and I didn't want to die. Everything was just easier and more peaceful when I was dreaming. Eventually I had to wake up. This lead to days upon days of laying in bed. My hair got matted, my teeth were weak from not brushing and lying in complete darkness till 5pm just made everything worse. The thing is, you want to do things. You want to get up and start a fresh but you physically can't.

Not being able to get up led to even more troubles. I had to leave school and I lost my place to do further education. I spent months and months in this state but losing my place was one of the best things to happen to me. Over time waking up felt a little bit easier and going out once a week was manageable:

Being in the outside world obviously wasn't ideal for someone who just wanted to get back home and lay in bed. The whole time I would be out, I'd be exhausted from moving. Not physically but mentally. It's not all doom and gloom with depression. It's sometimes being okay and then sometimes you feel like your whole work is crashing down again.

I started a new job. At this job I met someone, let's call him Kyle. When I met him I knew that things had to change if I wanted any kind of friendship with him. The main thing I learnt while suffering from depression is that psychiatrists and councillors can only get you so far. It seems hard now but in the end you need to make that change. No one can make you. I'm still not perfect. Me and "Kyle" are now in a relationship but it still is hard. Every now and again I think to myself "Why is he with me? I'm obviously a mess" or "He's too good for me." I have emotional break downs for no reason whatsoever but you know what? He loves me despite this. I'm not going to go all soppy on you but remember, if you start to love yourself a little bit more every day then everything else will follow. As someone with depression I know it's not the case of changing over night. Depression is a mental illness that doesn't need a cause and there will be ups and downs. I wish other people knew that. Just hold onto those positive moments no matter how small. It will seem really hard right now but you will see the light and be happy again no matter what life throws at you. Things change and that's not necessarily a bad thing.