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When we think of the happiest people, we think of those who are always smiling and are constantly laughing; but if we were to dig deeper, are the truly as happy as they seem?
When we think of acting, we think of people with scripts, performing to a theatre audience or to a camera crew. What a lot of people don't understand is that, acting isn't just the stories that people write for us. Some of the best actors are simply the people around you, from a stranger on the street, to a neighbour or even a close friend.
Everyone is battling their own demons and have their own masks to hide behind. Every morning is an uphill battle, just for me just to find the strength to fight through the day. I wake up and my mind is like a never-ending static, sometimes forgetting where I am. I don't feel any emotion, I forget the concept of time & my surroundings—even who I am as a person & it petrifies me. To look into a mirror and see an empty shell of myself, so helpless, not knowing why or what I can do to stop it.
A lot of the time, I go the whole morning/early afternoon not being able to eat anything substantial, just junk food, sodas, and alcohol. I waste my breaths inhaling the poisons from each cigarette that touches my lips, before painting my face with the biggest "smile" just to keep away the questions.
The hardest thing to do, is to talk about it. The vast majority of people would usually come up with the same responses every time—"Just be happier, try smiling," "You'll be fine, it's just a phase," "There are worse things in this world to be sad about," just to name a few.
What they fail to understand is words, are not always helpful. In the biggest crowds, I never felt more out of place. Surrounded by friends, I still feel alone. It is as if I am just a piece of smooth jazz, faded in the background of an elaborate party. The very thought of approaching strangers scares me, as my chest begins to tighten, my brain becomes fuzzy & my own voice sounds foreign to me. To sit in silence with another, even a friend, family member or partner, sounds perfect and peaceful to most—but to me, it is my worst nightmare. My emotions become numb, as I mask it with an over-dramatic sense of happiness and confidence.
Throughout the whole of last year, I have never felt more distant and out of place in my very own skin. I suffered through a job that, while it paid me well, bullied me into doubting my own self-worth, work ethic and general appreciation for life. They colored me in to be the bad guy, the disruptive influence, when all I was doing was helping them out, as much as I could, with the smallest amount of help they could offer me. I lost the love of my life & my best friend all in one. After four years of friendship and one year of a beautiful relationship, he treats me as nothing. We are merely strangers that would occasionally glance at each other, if we were to ever meet again. He stopped caring about my feelings, he stopped talking to me altogether, he just simply gave up on me. With that, it sincerely tore me apart, it made me doubt who I am as a person and made me realize that the one thing I couldn't control—my mental health—was one of the main reasons he left me. Finally, I was assaulted by a co-worker on a drunk night out. I told him to stop, over and over and over, but he wouldn't listen. I was completely paralyzed, dead inside, crying into my pillow each night and I could never face him again.
I have been through the medication, the mentality that ending my life would just be the better option for everyone and I still am to this day! The only thing that's keeping me going is pushing myself, to see if I actually do have the little ounce in me just to keep me going. Everyday gets harder and harder to live through, but I've come this far, been through hardships in my life, and I will try everything just to stay alive.