'The Yes Brain Child' – Book Review

A Summary:

This book focuses on Interpersonal Neurobiology in parenting. The authors challenge the reader to think of their own physiological response to the words NO and YES. You are meant to repeat NO seven times and focus on your response, and then replace NO with YES and repeat it seven times.

A NO brain, makes us reactive and defensive, drawing the focus on survival and self defence. It leaves us guarded and shut down when it comes to interacting with the world. The nervous system initiates it's fight, flight or freeze response.

YES on the other hand, leads to receptivity rather than reactivity. It allows us to absorb, assimilate and learn new information. It makes us more flexible, adaptable, receptive, resilient and curious. A YES brain is created by using the pre-frontal cortex, and area that connects many regions with each other.

A NO brain is what gets us ready to protect ourselves from threat and is highly reactive, worried that it might make a mistake or its curiosity worried that it might lead to some kind of trouble. It can go to offence, pushing back on new knowledge. It's stubborn and anxious, competitive and threatening, leaving it struggling to find and understand ourselves and others or deal with difficult emotions.

Kids operating from a NO brain state are at the mercy of their emotions, unable to shift them, unable to find healthy ways to respond to them. Adults can also be in this state. But if we understand it, then we can find healthier ways to respond. They fear new experiences rather than welcoming them.

A life lived in a YES brain state, is one where kids can choose a life full of connection and meaning. The result is not a person who is happy all the time or who never experiences negative feelings, but leads to the ability to find joy and meaning even in the midst of life's challenges. It allows a person to feel grounded and understand themselves, to flexibly learn and adapt and live with a sense of purpose, leaving them to emerge from difficult situations stronger and wiser. They are able to engage with their inner life, their world and others. That is what connection means.

The idea of creating a YES brain child is not to put more pressure on parents, or to strive to be perfect, but to relax a bit and to teach parents to be as emotionally present to their kids as they can.

The essence of discipline is to teach through connection an not not punish.

The book describes three zones:

The green zone—which is the window of tolerance and is not without negative emotions but rather includes a wide spectrum of emotions that the child can cope with.

The Red zone—which is typically the tantrum zone or when the child's behaviour seems to be out of control. It is really distressing for the child to be in this zone too as much as it is for a parent to watch their child being in this zone.

The Blue zone—is when the child becomes disengaged and shut down or withdrawn.

The authors describe in useful detail how to help the child move from the red or the blue zone, back to the green zone and how nurturing a YES brain mentality will help them widen their green zone.

A YES brain mentality leaves room for differentiation and the parent doesn't just rescue or prevent their kids from dealing with things, but rather teaches them to remain linked and attuned. This leads to a more contented child as they learn how to move back into their window of tolerance.

Minimising or criticising a child will leave a child with having to deal with difficult emotions on their own. This is in effect punishing them for experiencing healthy normal emotions which teaches kids that feelings and experiences should not be shared. They either become more upset or learn how to hide their feelings from us.

When parents are only linked and there isn't enough differentiation, it is enmeshment or known as helicopter parenting. This is when a parent might be deeply wounded if the child momentarily prefers the other parent or a parent does the child's homework for them.

It is important to avoid becoming so linked with your children that there's no room for differentiation.

When kids are bubble wrapped, protecting them from experiencing any discomfort, we actually make them more fragile.

Notes from me:

As a parent and a counsellor, I have really enjoyed reading this book. It is full of information on the neurobiology of the brain and also includes the useful tips on helping your child to develop a YES brain. The authors succeed in explaining why certain parenting skills will help your child develop a healthy brain. As parents, we all want what is best for our children. When we can understand why certain parenting skills are better for our children than others, it is much easier to implement them into our own parenting.

The authors give plenty of great examples, explanations, and tools to help us as parents to achieve a YES brain state. It is also easier to stand back and not 'save' our children when we know how it can actually lead to them becoming more fragile.

I listened to the audiobook which was read by the authors themselves. You can also download a PDF version of the book if you purchase the Audiobook. I have learned a lot from this book and have already started to use these tools in my own parenting.

I would highly recommend this book as an absolute MUST READ for parents.

Credit:

Dr. Daniel J Siegel, Ph.D. and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson: The Yes Brain Child