They Hurt You, Then Leave You to Do the Work!

"Heal your trauma" has become my personal mantra. I can tell people close to me are sick of hearing it, but I won't stop saying it because I believe in the truth of this statement.

What Is Trauma?

Dr. Gabor Mate, a Canadian physician who specializes in child development, describes trauma as what happens inside of you as a result of what happens to you.

When I was a child, physical abuse was part of my daily life. For two years, between the ages of seven and nine, as a way of dealing with the abuse, I became a creative child by creating an alternate universe as way of coping. My imagination became my safe space.

I took this idea into my teen years, so when I didn't like my current situation, I took to my imagination for refuge. Things were lovely there. I was the hero and loved, but this meant that my reality was often distorted. The present moment never existed, I was always in the future where things were better.

An example of this comes when my mother passed away, and I was sixteen at the time. I cried as one does when bereaved, but in my head, she wasn't gone. I couldn't accept that reality, therefore, I never allowed myself to grieve my dead mother, but I could only create alternate realities for myself, up to a certain point. All the pain bottled up inside demanded to be felt. I had no choice in the matter, so I hit my rock bottom.

This is ten years after losing my mother; I couldn't conjure up any different reality in my head, so I became a mess because I wasn't equipped to deal with this reality. I had to cry myself to sleep for months as I accepted that I was all alone in the world. The woman who birthed me no longer existed, in physical form at least, and that hit me hard, but this was my first step to healing.

As I began to heal, I found myself being more open to the world. I was healing, that was a given, and yet the pain of a seven-year-old little girl was still buried deep inside of me, and it took a simple question from a friend to unravel me. All she asked was the state of my relationship with my paternal family. My paternal grandmother and aunt were my abusers, so that relationship will always be strained, but I didn't realize how severe the trauma they caused me was.

I began to cry as I responded to her nonchalantly on how I didn't care for those people, but here I was, crying my eyes out. Why was I crying though? I still carried that seven-year-old child's pain, but only now, it was mixed with anger. Anger is such a poisonous emotion that robs you of peace, that keeps you awake scheming and plotting of ways to get your revenge, while your so-called enemy is enjoying their peaceful sleep. That moment made me realize I had to let go of the pain.

The Process of Healing

The abuse is just one example of my childhood trauma. I suffered many more, and that's part of life. No one goes through this life unscathed, it's impossible. That is why healing becomes an ongoing process. I learned there were so many parts of me that were broken and needed my attention.

The healing process is probably the most painful chapter of your life because you're forced to deal with your damaged self. You're forced to acknowledge all the harmful traits you've developed as a defense mechanism. You will cry, but it will be a cleansing cry. The cry that assures you that everything is okay. Now you're no longer a defenseless seven-year-old. You are a grown woman that survived a terrible event, so tell that little girl that she is loved.

You didn't cause your trauma, but the healing is your responsibility, remember that. It's unfair, I know, but it must be done.