Thinking About

I always wonder why we let ourselves be confined to such a linear and boring story line. I mean nobody here would play a game repeatedly if it sucked, right? Obviously, things happen throughout our lives that keep it interesting (kids, other good/bad shit) but the way things are today overall is just so... exhausting.

When I was growing up, it all made sense. Go to school, go to work, have a family, and buy a house. I remember at one point thinking, and even now on occasion, "That's where I should be." It didn't hit me until after my mother passed away that none of that was right. I remember thinking, almost immediately after making the decision to keep living (I was staring down a bottle of captain), "Fuck all of this!" I am still trying to break free from those constraints, but breaking out of such a way of thinking is really difficult.

I wouldn't be here without my kid, without my family and friends. I wouldn't be here without all of the shit I went through in my life. As grateful as I am for everything, I would be equally grateful if I never had to go through it. I would be grateful if, from birth, we didn't push such a crap dream much like we how we still push the Cowboys being America's team for so long despite that not being a thing.

I still don't know how to escape it or make it work in a way that I don't absolutely hate. I spent so long being depressed because I never knew where I was going in life; and fuck, that mystery is definitely not solved. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing. What is life without mystery and adventure right? Right.

You spend your life following the rules and then what die never doing anything? No thanks.

I cringe at the news, at the joke that is our government and just everything that is going on today. It really doesn't have to be like this, but here we are. Many of my friends have either lost someone or are the friend that isn't here anymore. Depression has or had everyone I know, and we do nothing to combat that. We throw medicine to counterattack the bullshit; but man, I spent a long time running from everything and it doesn't work. There isn't a pill in the world that could have kept me from the hole I was in. I'm not ignorant to the victories that medicine can bring to people, but we'd have a hell of a lot less depression if we didn't have to live like this.

I know some people say, "If you don't like, get out!" but that's ridiculous. I love this country just like the next person, but I don't like how we run it; and how could anyone honestly? What is fun about growing up and never knowing who you really are and what your full potential could be because someone is telling you that there is a mold you must fit?

Maybe I'm rambling and maybe you guys get tired of hearing me write about the same things, but this shit is pretty out of hand. The worst thing I ever did was not talk about what was going on in my head. Talking and writing about your thoughts is so damn necessary. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that helps sort stuff out.

Anyways, I'm going to bed. I'm sure I'm missing some commas and shit here, but whatever.

Live your life how you want, time flies regardless.

—Sampson The Poet