This I Believe...

I believe anyone can overcome the death of a significant other. That having to cope with the loss of someone you love so dearly can only make you stronger.

It was a week after my twentieth birthday and the day after the fourth of July. I had only been back home with my boyfriend for five days after a month of spending time with my family. It was this day that I would never forget and would fill my dreams with instant nightmares. It was that evening I felt as if my life fell to pieces. I wanted nothing more than to lash out at everyone around me and find a way to give up on everything I had. I began to think everything that meant anything to me lost all its meaning.

July fifth 2006, this was the day my beloved stopped breathing. This was the day he died in front of my eyes. When the paramedics got him outside, despite everyone telling me he would be okay and make it, he was gone. You could see in those blue lips and pale face, those empty eyes and lifeless body, he had let go of his mortal shell. He was no longer in a physical sense with me, us, anyone. He no longer walked among the living in a physical form. It was this day that I had felt as if nothing mattered anymore. I felt weak without him there to tell me that I was a strong person. It felt like half of me had died with him.

I am proof anyone can overcome the death of someone they love more then their own life. He was literally everything to me. I didn’t want to let go and yet I knew deep down I had to. At first when it hit me it didn’t seem to sink in that he was really gone. It didn’t seem like it was real. When it started to finally sink in the overwhelming feeling of anger and hate seem to boil below the surface. Starting with resentment towards everyone around me, why should they be able to be carefree and live life not feeling a pain like that of what I was feeling?

Then as time passed; it turned over and over, twisting and bending till the feeling of disgust and animosity grew towards my beloved Cain. The questions simmered there in the mind, “How could he leave me here alone? Does he know how much he hurt me by doing this? Does he even care?” After endless amounts of these queries my feelings turned on me. I began to feel turmoil towards myself. I despised myself for feeling such fury and hostility towards those around me and my departed beloved. Death was something out of everyone’s control and such harsh emotions would not bring him back.

It was then I began to realize that every breeze that touched me, every time I felt comforted when I was alone and crying or having a meltdown it was him. He was telling me that I was strong and I could overcome it. We had overcome bigger issues together; being next to dirt poor and not being sure where or when we may have gotten our next meal. Coming ever so close to being homeless, we worked together to get through those rough times. He wasn’t about to leave me alone to overcome this by myself either. I used these thoughts to help me persist without him no longer by my side. I seemed to find peace in this, not only peace but strength to carry on every day.

I went from wanting to forget the time we had spent together and wanting to wash away all of him from my memories both the good and the bad times. Nor did I want to see that cold dead face haunting my memories and dreams. Remembering how his skin was like ice on a winter’s day, when I gave him a final kiss goodbye. It was then that I began to realize if I erased all those memories, both good and bad, he truly would be gone. It was his memories that kept him alive whether it was that small smile or that twinkle in those cobalt blue eyes. If I could hold onto those memories he would be alive, he would always be with me. That alone gave me the strength to push on each day to wake up every morning. I took comfort in knowing these things, knowing he was going to always be around and watching over and protecting me as long as I remembered him.

I believe that with time and stages anyone can overcome the death of a significant other and use that to become stronger. It’s my belief that you can keep that person alive within you, that you can always cherish those special moments whether they were intimate or innocent. It is my belief that these few things alone will push you to be a stronger person; not only for yourself but for the one you lost. That you will learn to live for not just yourself but you dearly beloved, I believe within death we become stronger people.