I come off as a happy-go-lucky person. I try really hard to bring lightness to each room I enter. I enjoy my happier, more optimistic self. But it’s just the outer shell of who I really am. My inner shell is well hidden. I barely let it be shown, even when I’m alone. The vulnerability it makes me feel makes me afraid to let anyone see that side of me. I’d rather come off as happy and strong than sad and vulnerable.
I rarely talk about my emotions, thoughts, etc. I’m pretty open if you ask me, but no one is comfortable asking those things. And I’m not comfortable bringing them up.
So I’ve decided to sort out my thoughts by writing. Chances are, I’ll post this and then delete it later.
I’d like to tell you that my battle with depression, anxiety, OCD, and an unknown mood disorder (possible bipolar) has been going well.
But I’d be lying.
I remember when I first got very depressed. I was unable to leave bed, or eat or sleep. Depressed, I weighed 98 lbs. It 2012, I was 18. Looking back I had the classic symptoms. I lost a lot of weight accidentally, developed IBS from stress, I cut off all my hair, I rarely went to school, I skipped class to go for long walks by myself, I barely slept & I panicked over the simplest things.
I was diagnosed with major depression & all those other fun mental illnesses.
I thought that finally being diagnosed would be good, turning me towards a brighter future. Boy, was I wrong!
I thought depression was the worst thing you could feel. I mean, imagine trying so hard just to enjoy the simple things (like a warm October day or a really good movie), but just feeling numb and sad. A heart-wrenching, feel-it-to-the-bones type sadness. No motivation, no anything. Just the longing for a deep, uninterrupted sleep. I thought nothing could be worse than this.
But I was wrong again.
Anxiety, for me, is worse. Panic attacks, the physical symptoms of anxiety, the mental symptoms of anxiety, the social symptoms of anxiety, whew it sucks. I still struggle with it daily. Induced agoraphobia due to panic attacks from phobia of puking and germs. Fun stuff.
How my brain works:
*Oh I feel like I might puke or someone I know recently puked?*
Brain: 'okay, have a panic attack!'
*Hmm, I'm really warm & my heart rate isn't normal...*
Brain: "Panic! Curl in a ball and if you move, puke!"
Then comes the physical symptoms which, ironically, includes puking for me. Hot flashes, sweating, upset stomach, lightheaded, heart rate accelerated, blurry vision, numb hands, uneven breathing? Yeah, sure let’s have them all. A lot of times this will result in me puking. Or, occasionally fainting. Or hyperventilating. Or all three! Plus the sense of impending doom.
It is not fun. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Thank god for Ativan. It makes the waves of the panic attacks less frequent. It takes away the physical symptoms. And helps you sleep!
Depression I could deal with. Medication helped a LOT, as well as daily exercise and journaling and a good support system. All these things made all the difference in my depression.
Nobody told me that panic attacks, anxiety & OCD wouldn’t be fixed with those things....
So then along came OCD. They just came for the ride, but then wanted to test drive the car. I didn’t even notice it at first, in fact I thought what I was doing was normal. Obsessive hand washing? Well, that’s a classic symptoms, but I have a fear of germs! That’s just who I am!
But then the obsessive thoughts, rituals and routines started. The compulsive needs.
Lysol wipe down every single item of mine hat goes to school/work/public? I thought I was being clean!
Picking at my skin until it looked perfect? Hmmm...It was a compulsive need.
Having to sanitize my hands BEFORE I go to sleep? Hmm, abnormal, but I'm just being clean in case I rub my eyes.
Same routine every single day and night or else I’d have a panic attack? Well, it’s not bothering anyone, so who cares!
Except it was bothering me. My brain told me I can’t use a different bottle of shampoo cause if I do, something bad might happen and I might have a panic attack and that might result in puking.
Repetitive rituals, obsessive need for cleanliness, hoarding, always need to be at odd number, Trichotillomania, etc. These have been the most difficult things I’ve dealt with. I hide them extremely well. I’ve taught myself coping mechanisms and even used exposure therapy, but it’s a huge difficulty for me. I struggle with it everyday. I'd love to be able to come home from school & not have to take a Lysol wipe, and wipe down my phone, wallet, iPod, laptop, etc. But since no one sees it, no one knows about it.
But sometimes you’ll see my fingers bleeding from my obsessive picking. Or you’ll wonder why the volume in my car has to be at an odd number. Or why I keep that note from my old best friend from 2006.... Or why I've got wet wipes in my car in case I need to wipe something down.
This past year I’ve noticed an decrease in my socialization & an increase in isolation. If I don’t leave my house I’m less likely to get sick, have to socialize, have to have my ‘bus coat’ on, etc.
I’ve noticed a decrease in connecting with people.
I’ve noticed an increase in bailing on plans. And it’s all because of my thoughts.
My thoughts create my world.
And I’d like to destroy that world.
It’s left me alone all the time, resulting in loneliness. I spend almost every night alone. I’m not exaggerating. I go for a lot of drives or walks by myself. I love spending time alone, but sometimes it gets lonely when you're alone everyday.
But the worst is when you’re lonely when you’re not alone. Surrounded by others, yet lost in my own world, ignored, and talked over, etc.
If I am with someone, I find it very difficult to turn off my thoughts & be present. Or difficult to really connect & socialize with them.
In a dissociative state.
Numbness.
I want to feel more again.
I want to connect, be open.
But it's so hard when your thoughts control everything. Oh that person is busy, they probably don't like me anymore. Oh, I was invited out, it's cause I'm too anxious....:/
I don’t want to be afraid to talk.
But, I’m terrified to be open and vulnerable.
It makes it easy pickings for the vultures flying by.
~End late night ranting~
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