Thoughts in My Head

Where do I even begin? Before I had ever become pregnant with any of my children, I worked hard. I hated not having a job to support my self and especially hated having someone take are of me. I first got pregnant when I was 18. Even with him, I worked up until three days before I had him. I never let my pregnancy get in my way. The same thing happened with my next child four years later. Within two or three months after having both of them, I was back to work. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my children. In 2016, I got pregnant with my second son. His pregnancy was a bit different. I started to develop back issues and was taken out of work at seven months pregnant. With the pain that I was going through, I did not mind it so much. It wasn't until a year later in 2017, that I was able to get a job. I began working for an armored truck company, with odd hours in the day. There would be days where I would work nine hours or there would be days where I would work 14 hours a day. It was fine, because I knew my kids where with someone I trusted and they were safe. My job on the other hand, was not such a safe job, but it helped with the bills. In June of 2018, out of no where, I had a gran mal seizure. After weeks of tests and being sick, not knowing what was going on, I was diagnosed with seizures and epilepsy. I was told that it can happen anytime, anywhere. With that being said, I was also informed that I could not drive for a year unless I was seizure free that entire year. Well, the problem is, I have what they call silent seizures multiple times a day. With not being able to drive, its hard to find work especially because July of this year, I also found out I was pregnant. I am currently six months pregnant—a stay at home mom that suffers with having seizures daily and a lot on my mind.

Being basically stuck home and not being able to do anything or drive, a lot goes through my head. Let's start with the fact that my poor husband is the only income, because I was denied SSI and no one wants to hire me. So there is that stress laying on my shoulders. We make ends meet and are able to pay bills, but I am sure some of you can understand the stress and struggle. Sitting home all day, I begin to realize what "friends" I actually have. I know people have jobs and all, but what really irks me is how they are towards me. Everyone knows I can not drive yet no one tries to come and see me. When I ask what they have planned, mind you some live very close to me, I am always told they are busy. Then, here's the great part, the post on social media as if I can't see it, that they were out doing xy and z. It seems as if my "friends" are too busy to hang out with me or try to help me when everyone knows I would give the shirt off my back for them. No one speaks to me much lately, especially after becoming pregnant. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? This is a daily struggle for me with the stress of my medical issues, being pregnant and not being able to find work. I have done all that I can to reach out to people and find work, but nothing seems to go my way. What does go my way is I have a very loving and supportive husband and children who care very much for me. What more could I ask for?