To Mom

I love you. I know I never tell you that enough but I do. I love you with all of my being. You're the one that carried me inside of you for 9 months. You kept me safe, warm, and loved. You sacrificed your dreams for mine. I wasn't planned and you had to do it alone but you went ahead and brought me into your life anyway and for that I thank you.

Life isn't always easy and sometimes I wish I'd never been born. Actually that thought crosses my mind a lot. Sometimes I feel like I was forced upon the world when I never wanted to be. But as an adult I know I wasn't forced into the world by some evil force that wanted me to be unhappy. I just got the short straw and now I'm stuck with this depression that I never wanted. Life just sucks I sometimes.

I remember the day you found out about my depression like it was yesterday. It was an awkward thing and I wish I had been able to tell you about it myself instead of you finding out the way you did. Believe me when I say that I wish a lot of things hadn't happened the way they did but I can't go back now even though sometimes I want to. I want to take back all the pain and worry I caused you. I want to keep myself from making stupid decision but unfortunately I can’t and I’ll try to make better decision in the future. I just hope I won’t make you too disappointed if I make more mistakes.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety almost five years ago and you still tell me all the time that you wish I had just told you. That I hadn't hid things from you. That I'd opened up to you before I did all the stupid things that I did but unfortunately I didn't. So goes life for me. But believe me when I say that I wanted to tell you from day one but I couldn't. I love you and all I wanted to do was protect you from the dark thoughts in my head. They were scary for me so I couldn’t imagine what you would’ve felt if you knew all the thoughts going through my head. So I lived for you mom. I'm still living for you no matter how hard it is because I love you and I always will. No matter how much shit has hit the fan.

One time when we were fighting you broke my heart by breaking into tears and yelling, "Where's my counseling?! How do I learn how to deal with this?!" and it made me really think. I didn't know the answer then and I still don't know it now. How do you learn how to deal with having a depressed daughter? I'm sure we could've gotten you in to see someone that would've helped you learn but we didn't so you and I learned as we went along. Even now we're still learning. I’m learning how to live with it and you’re learning how to deal with my moods. Even though we no longer live together you keep looking out for me.

I don't think I can ever apologize enough to you, Mom. I made life hard and I'm sorry for that but you and I both know now that it wasn't all my fault. I did a lot of those stupid things to try and make it through life and here I am almost five years later fighting a lot of the same battles but in a much happier situation and without you I don't know if I would've made it this far. I got lucky to have a mom that cares so much about me because you had to deal with a lot.

So, Mom, just know I love you and no matter what happens in the future I'll always be you daughter. I'll be here for you no matter what. You made me and you kept me alive and now I'm trying to keep myself alive for you.