To the Girl Thinking of Ending It

You're the girl who's hiding her struggle with smiles. The girl who wakes up every day and puts one such a brave face, a front saying that she's okay. The girl who thinks no one understands. The one who everyone thinks is okay when she's really not.

September isn’t just pumpkin spice latte month. September is Suicide Awareness Month, the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S that occurs every 40 seconds. Something that most people have considered or at least thought about at some point in their life. Something that people don’t talk about. Something that usually people aren’t aware of until it’s too late.

I never cut myself, but I've thought about it. It's crossed my mind before, twice. I've never tried to kill myself, but it has been a thought at least once. Thoughts that almost caused me to take action. I haven’t ever talked about it because it isn’t something that I would want people to know about me. It isn’t something that I’m proud of.

I’ve thought maybe if I did something to harm myself or died that maybe that person would care or notice me. Maybe then they would love me. I was in a really bad place to say the least. My self-esteem was low. I allowed someone else to determine my happiness. I lost my independence. And I needed validation from someone else. I was desperate for attention because I didn’t know my worth.

We all know someone that we’ve lost to suicide or has tried to take their life. And we wish we could’ve done something to help. Or maybe you don’t know anyone. Maybe that person is you. Maybe you’re considering it right now.

I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know your story or your situation. But what I do know is that the answer isn’t going to be found in ending it. And while life may seem hopeless and you may be suffering in ways that you think others wouldn’t understand, there is always hope.

Don’t let this be the end of your story. Your story is only beginning. And you have so much to live for.

Maybe you feel alone. Maybe you feel lost. Maybe you feel confused. Maybe you feel like everything that could possibly happen to rain on your parade has happened. Maybe you’ve lost someone who meant the world to you. Maybe you’re stuck in a funk that seems like it isn’t going to end. Maybe it seems like life is overwhelming you and you can’t breathe. Maybe you struggle with anxiety or depression or something else. Maybe you have a lot of pressure on you right now and it’s a lot to live up to. It feels like it's hard to breathe. Maybe you struggle with some sort of addiction. Maybe your family doesn’t accept you for who you are.

Maybe you feel like no one loves or cares about you, like you don't matter. Maybe you’ve had a life-altering accident or event happen to you. Maybe you’ve done something really bad or committed a crime. Maybe you’ve cheated. Maybe you don’t fit in. Maybe people are really mean to you. Maybe you think the world would be a much better place without you. Maybe you don’t see the point in living anymore. Maybe you’re numb to everything. Maybe you’ve keep everything bottled up for so long wearing that smile and now it feels like you can’t do it anymore. Maybe you’re living in the space between yes or no. Maybe you’re just existing right now and not living.

But maybe you’ve also forgotten how lucky you are, because the fact that you are breathing means that you are a miracle. There are so many people out there that don’t make it to that point. There are so many people that would give anything to have the life that you have. No matter how much you think you have or don’t have, you still have more than someone else. Maybe you’ve forgotten that however bad things may seem for you, things are always worse for someone else.

Maybe you’ve forgotten how to love yourself. You’ve forgotten what makes you happy. You’ve gotten so wrapped up in others and what everyone else thinks and needs to be happy that you stopped living for yourself. Maybe you’ve been so focused on all the negative and you've forgotten how to see the positive. You’ve been focused on throwing a pity party for yourself that you haven’t truly made a real effort to pull yourself out. Maybe you’re scared to tell anyone. To ask for help because you don’t want anyone to know or you don’t think anyone can help. You don’t think anyone will care or that anyone understands what you are going through. Maybe you forgot how to truly live life to the fullest. How to enjoy life and every breath that you take. How to live for yourself and not for anyone else. You’ve forgotten how to appreciate the precious life that you have. Maybe you’ve taken the things that you have for granted and lost your perspective in life.

I know it’s hard—trust me. It isn’t like I haven’t ever thought about it or haven’t gone through rough shit. This isn’t me trying to tell you to suck it up and get over it and you’ll be all better in a day. Because you won’t. It’s a process. And it’s something you have to work on each day. You thinking about ending your life didn’t just happen overnight, it happened over a period of time. But it’s all in your head. And I know you’re strong. I know you want to live because if you didn’t you wouldn’t still be pondering on the thought reading this.

And maybe you can’t relate to anything that I just said, but regardless, living is always better than leaving. And if you don’t have a reason to live, find a reason, but not in someone else. Surround yourself with good people. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable because you’d be surprised what people have gone through. Reach out. People want to help. Don’t keep it all in. You’re not ever alone. Fall back in love with yourself and learn how to make yourself happy. Don’t give a single fuck about what anyone else thinks because no matter what you do, there’s always going to be someone that doesn’t approve. If your self esteem and worth is at an all time low, the only way to go is up. Change things up. Get out of the house. Smile. Find happiness in the small things in life. And if you’ve forgotten how to live life to the fullest, ask someone.

The only true closure that endings ever give is in movies, not in real life. Nothing is bad enough that you should stop living when you still have a life to live. You were put on this Earth for a reason. You have a purpose.

Your life is worth it. You matter. You are loved. You are wanted. You have so much to live for. You just don’t realize it.

Your story depends on you, and it isn’t over.

This is me telling you to stay.