Too Broken to Be Loved

As a child I felt something unsettling... a painful feeling that I was too young to comprehend, but I knew that it was different than what I was suppose to feel at the age it all began.

My heart, my skin, my eyes on fire, burning through the reality that I only knew as a figment of imaginative thinking created by those around me who had accepted their fates. Did I know how to blend in with this society that would attack who I am as a "human" if I were to differentiate the energy I would impose into the fields around me that I knew others would not only see... they would feel it too? I could not think in a manor where it would not lead me to break away from my sanity, forcing me only to witness pain and suffering rather than joy and bliss from the joys of living that I only knew in fairy tales. It's useless... I can't hold my own mind together. Growing, slowly transforming to be a man, yet I still see the shadows dancing around me, voices wallowing my insecurities from every angle of my mind, telling me I am not normal, that I am... I am not good enough... not even to live...

Something as small as affection causes me intense emotion, not in the way which it is intended, a way that "allows" me to perceive in what I can only assume are the fears and paranoid thoughts that these tokens of appreciation are nothing, nothing but lies. Figments of parallel worlds that I am of no part of, the soul I recognize as myself in the environmental mindset of being happy. My mother, why does she hurt from tears that are only mine? My brother, why does he try to bring me back down from losing what little way I may carry? My father, in pain from witnessing the destruction of what once was a light in his eyes? Most importantly, a small little girl... my sister, smiling upon my presence and energy although my energy has faded into oblivion. Although they are a part of me that I cannot stand the notion of losing, I have yet to learn how to feel the love they so wish me to embrace for the rest of my days in this world.

As well as family, friends and past partners I wish to tell that I cannot associate myself with them any longer. It is not that I wish to remove them from my life, but that I believe down to every fiber of my existence that they deserve more of a friend than I can possibly be. A shattered man who cannot distinguish between what is real and what may seem a dream, only able to see visions of things that may or may not be, audible noise available for the hearing of my ears and my mind alone. Something a partner, as well, may not understand.

How can I love someone else when I lack the ability to love who I have come to know as myself, both inside and out. My soul in pain, withering, suffering the consequences of those who have shown me nothing but the utter flaws within myself... as well as the face that must be shown to the judgmental communities established throughout this universe. To cheat my trusting in them, to lie about caring for the heart already falling into pieces and to steal what little light that I carried left physically inside myself.

Am I a hideous form of creation? Am I an undesirable soul that is not worthy to feel the undying wish to make me feel that I am special in the ways I could never see for myself? Am I simply not able to be loved?

From nightmares to the loss of my memories, from the throbbing pain in my hands to the shaking of my own body, I dissociate between realities, feeding myself the drugs of assumed professionals only to fall to the effects of my mind slowing its paces, rendering me mindless and lacking of the skills I know I have achieved with this gift of a curse. Although I see the world for what it may be, for what it could and what it has, I have come to one conclusion. My goals are nothing but wishful imagination, my desires are not meant to be cared for, my health and well-being not a priority to anyone... not even myself... I don't love who I may be or what I even was as I do not feel there has been anything special for those in and out of my life have really witnessed or envisioned in me.

I am too broken to succeed... I am too broken to find clarity within myself...

I... I am too broken to be loved...

National Suicide Hotline

1-800-273-8255

"If you or a loved one are having feelings of harming yourself or feel one another may be unsafe with themselves, reach out to those who have taken the duty to be your saviors, whether you see it that way or not. You matter to me, as much as you matter to others."

Jacob Vargas - KEYWICKED