I can feel my depression slowly creeping up on me right now, there is a slight touch of dissociation beginning to manifest itself and I can feel my chest becoming tight with worry. It feels like everything is closing in and I can feel myself trying to shut it down, by any means necessary. I wasn't sure whether I should write this article just now, but I think that I need to write down exactly how I feel right this second to explain how horrendously messy my mind feels when I am in a depressive episode.
The first thing I am feeling right now is the anxiety: like I said above, my chest is extremely tight, and my mind is flitting between all the worst-case scenarios and worries that I have about my life in general. There is nothing in particular that has set me off or triggered me into thinking about that is going to go wrong, but I feel this sense of impending doom about everything. There is also no one specific thing that I am concerned about - my mind jumps from losing someone I love to disappointing people to so many other things I cannot possibly control.
Guilt is another huge element for me when I feel like this. I feel like I should be going to the gym just now, I shouldn't have that cup of coffee. I should just be able to snap out of this, I should just get a grip of myself and stop being so damn pathetic. A lot of people with depression feel that they "should" be behaving in a certain way, and I know that this is not uncommon. The guilt pushes my head into the realm of anxiety, then back to guilt and so the cycle begins and continues like this.
I get a huge element of self-loathing whenever my depression takes hold. I often spend a lot of time being detrimental about myself, my mind, my appearance and just everything relating to myself. This may have to do with the assault and how I feel like my control of my own body has been taken away. I know that how I view myself is not the way that my boyfriend and my family see me, but I struggle to comprehend that I am anything other than ugly, fat and useless. This often leads me to detrimental thoughts, which send me into a very dark place. I know a lot of what I feel is simply the illness trying to break me, and sometimes I feel like it might just manage it.
The worst part of all this is that the illness makes me think everyone would benefit from me no longer being here. This isn’t the first and only time my illness has led me to this dark idea, and I am more than sure it sadly won’t be the last. There are so many things for me to live for, but a lot of the time I feel like I just don't deserve them. I am safe and not a danger to myself right now, but I still contemplate how much of a burden I must be and that people would be better without me.
My head is a very messy place to be nowadays. Again, I see beyond the illness, which makes periods like this so much more irritating and heartbreaking. I can see that it is just my illness making it very difficult for me to keep my head straight, but it doesn't make it any less horrible to live through. I am going to live through this, though, and I will eventually be okay.