Trapped Inside

Depression... What’s the first word that pops into your head when you hear that word? Sadness? Suicidal? Attention? For me, when I hear the word depression, I think of times that were supposed to be happy, numbness, and a fake smile. Depression is a disease that kills whether people want to believe that or not.

When you have Depression, people think it’s either for attention or because you’re sad. Let me just say this right now: being sad and having depression are two completely different things. When you are depressed, you feel trapped, inside your head and your thoughts. You feel like nobody cares so why tell them, right? Now, I understand that everyone has bad days and everyone handles things better. People who have depression feel it differently, too. I’m telling you my experiences with this disease.

Depression isn’t always late at night when you are trying to sleep or when something bad happens. Depression can hit anytime of the day, no matter what you are doing or who you are with. Depression is also different from being suicidal. Yes, depression usually leads to suicidal thoughts, but you can have depression without being suicidal. You can also be suicidal without being depressed. It doesn’t make any sense but I swear it’s true.

If you have anxiety and depression, it’s like having a bunch of energy without any motivation to get out of bed. You don’t care about school or work but get super nervous when you miss an assignment or a day of work. It’s like when you drink coffee and your heart starts beating really fast. That’s how you feel all the time when you have anxiety. With depression, you just feel nothing. You feel like nothing matters anymore.

There are times when I could be so excited to go out with my friends for the night. I would get ready with them and be happy that I was getting out of the house. Then, as soon as I would get there, I would want to go home and go to bed. I get so trapped in my thoughts that I start to feel worthless and I start to feel like nobody wants me there. I would just stop talking, stop laughing, and stop enjoying myself. This disease takes away my ability to enjoy life like I’m supposed to. I have lost so much of my life because I can’t get out of bed in the mornings.

There have been times when I would be in the middle of laughing and all of a sudden feel like being done. I will look around a room and imagine life if I wasn’t there anymore. I imagine how better off people will be when I finally break. I do all of these things while faking a smile, while sharing a laugh, or while trying to have fun. Sometimes it’s just too much though. There are periods of time where I just don’t talk to people. I feel like it doesn’t matter what comes out of my mouth; that no one actually cares about how I feel.

I am writing this so that if anyone else feels this way, they can realize that they are not alone. There is help out there if you just ask for it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need help. Don’t be afraid to tell someone how you are feeling. People do care. If you are to the point where you want to take your own life let me just say this. It’s not worth it. Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Remember, it’s a bad day, not a bad life.