Trapped Inside Myself

I can't breathe. The air is grabbing my throat and I am gasping for air. All my life I have been the quiet girl. The sweet, innocent one that doesn't have a lot to say. Maybe I am a little shy, maybe I am a little socially awkward. However, I have a lot to say. I want to say it, but I can't. I didn't realize it was bad until my sophomore year of high school. I stayed home for two weeks with what I thought was a stomach ache. No. It was my anxiety. For the two weeks, I went to doctor after doctor trying to find the cause. Finally, a doctor told me I was anxious. Seriously? There has to be an ACTUAL cause to this. I found out later, no. That was it. Anxiety has its way of doing that. It can become so severe that it leaves you feeling physically ill. The last two years of high school, I just learned to "deal with it." It was hard. Every time I ate I felt like I was going to get sick. I was scared to go out with friends, scared to go on trips, scared to get into someone's car because every time I felt sick. That made it even worse. Could you image me actually getting sick? I could never show my face again. I spent the whole two years missing out on fun things because my anxiety held me back. Even when I actually went on things, I was so scared of getting sick and dealing with the embarrassment that I couldn't enjoy anything. You know what? I NEVER got sick. It's embarrassing thinking about it now. I missed out on so much.

After graduating high school, my next big thing was college. I was so nervous, I did not know what to expect at all. There was also a big weight on me because I am the only one in my family that has gone to college, so there is much added pressure. I finally get there and the first night is horrible. My roommate won't speak to me and I know no one else on campus but my sister and one other person. I am afraid to talk to people, so I go and sit in my car in the parking lot and think about going home. Next thing I know, my sister comes and takes me with her and her friends to tour the city. I invited my one friend I had and actually end up having fun. However, my anxiety is still bad. The one friend I made is very social, so he does all the talking and I just stand back awkwardly. Oh great. I can't talk to people, so I must be boring. This is all I'm thinking to myself. I can't even do activities because my anxiety is so bad, I have many anxiety attacks. I need to talk to someone. The end of my freshman year, I go talk to a counselor. She prescribes me medicine because she feels it will help. It didn't help all that much. It left me feeling suicidal and depressed. I stopped taking it. I went to talk to a different counselor. I have learned how to control my anxiety.

I am in my sophomore year now, and even though my anxiety is still prevalent and I get empty, lonely thoughts sometimes, I know that they aren't true. I am a fun person, I can do anything I want. I just have to remember to not take every thing so seriously and remember to have fun. I have anxiety, but I try to not let it control my life.