Trying to Escape My Internal Prison

I wish that I was able to tell everyone that I am perfectly fine and I'm living a completely worry-free life. Sadly to say, that is not the case. I am one of those few unlucky people who suffer from a plethora of mental instabilities. On top of that, I am also a mother. My day to day life of even completing simple tasks can sometimes seem like an impossible feat. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.) and also I suffer from anxiety and paranoia.

I live day to day life never really feeling safe or feel that I am good enough. I am stuck living in past instances of my life, not by my choice, and it can be more than bothersome, to say the least. I can be out with my daughter and hear a certain sound or encounter a certain smell or have a certain thought and then BOOM... it happens. I'm involuntarily thrown into a mental state of anxiety and for those who have no idea what P.T.S.D. is, I will try to explain it as best as I can. Whatever traumatic event you experience, your brain has the capability to store it in the back of your mind, and there it will stay, dormant and asleep until it's triggered awake by a recognizable feeling that the person experienced during the mental event. At the instant that the event is triggered it plays like a movie, only there is no stopping the movie, there is no pause or fast forward. You are stuck in the playback of the horrible event of the past.

For some, it can be very hard to let go and continue on with the day as if nothing happened. In my case it enhances my paranoia and anxiety and depression. Just living day to day with mental downers can be exhausting. I try to stay as positive as possible for my daughter , but there are times she notices changes in my emotional disposition. She will ask me if I am okay or if something is wrong. How do you explain mental handicaps to a toddler? Most times I simply say that mommy was daydreaming and the daydream made her sad. She does her best to comfort me with hugs and pats on the back. She tells me it will be okay and everything will get better. Only if she knew this was a reoccurring problem. I try to have vices to keep my mental distress under control. I listen to music, draw, write, take long baths, and think of happier moments. However, when the initial problem comes to surface it feels like I'm trapped in my own mental cage, always longing to escape to better sense of security. Luckily my daughter is also my salvation. Being a paranoid mother, no matter the mental stress that this disorder may bring, I am still fully aware of my outside surroundings. Almost like having two separate screens playing at the same time, one being the traumatizing event and the other being actual reality.

My maternal instincts overpower all other mental triggers on most days. My heightened sense of worry for my daughter in the outside world brings me back every time. Being a single parent is sometimes a whole other problem in its own. I have to share my daughter with her father. So there are occasions I go without seeing her. With no actual safe line at those times it can be very hard to pull myself out of my emotional distress. So as I explained before, I must live through the forced mental movie. Whether I want to or not.

I wish everyone I talk to would stop trying to make it seem like these thoughts can be controlled. I would love to be normal and think positive thoughts all the time. However, that is not the case. The mental stress causes me to have very low self esteem and poor judgment about myself, basically thinking to myself what a defective waste of space I am. Can that really be all that I am? When will this invisible war with myself come to an end? I suppose I can only wish for it. There is a light in this dark subject . My daughter has unconditional love and loyalty for me . I am her savior from sadness and pain. In other words, I guess you could say that I am her hero. I can't possibly be all that bad if someone so innocent as a child can see me that way. Hopefully I can learn to love myself the way that other love me. To take the good just as well as the bad. I can only keep dreaming and have faith that there will be a day that I can see myself that way. I want a bright future not just for me but for everyone I care for as well. That is truly what I fight for.