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A while back, I was feeling low and I wasn’t seeing my therapist, not taking care of myself. While I was feeling down, not wanting to talk to anyone I started to write some sentences that started to make me feel better. Keep in mind I was in a really dark place, I got the help that I needed. I started seeing my therapist again, just know that mental health is a rollercoaster. It is a process, we have our ups and our downs but as long as you’re willing to get the help that is all that matters. Here are a few things I wrote.
Everyday, I try to find different reasons why I should still be alive.
I still haven’t found one.
. . .
I’m trying to be happy.
I don’t think it’s meant for me…
. . .
I’ve never said this out loud
My biggest fear is being a l o n e
Maybe that’s why I let everyone treat me like shit.
. . .
I wonder if you believed me when I said that sometimes at night, I pray to god to NOT let me wake up the next morning, to let me just die.
I don’t even believe in god.
. . .
Everyone always tells me how strong I am.
I keep feeling like I must prove them right.
When really all I want is to cry.
H E L P
. . .
To all you brokenly beautiful people out there…
It’s only the beginning,
Keep your head up.
. . .
I read these now I can’t believe I let myself get that dark. I seemed normal to the entire world, but this is how low I got, and no one ever saw it. All I wanted to do was stay home but I had to keep up this persona like I was okay and living my best life. It’s a problem to feel like you have to pretend to be okay even around those you love.
In my family, we never talk about our feelings. We suck it up and hold it in. That is how we work, if you show any ounce of emotion, you are made fun of and talked poorly about. Even if you wanted to talk about your feelings the best thing to do is not say anything, it would be a lot worse to talk about it and deal with it than not. This is what I’ve been taught since I could remember, you’d get hurt and you weren’t allowed to cry, you couldn’t be a “baby.”
I knew that I was suffering with mental health issues since I was in middle school. I didn’t talk about what I was feeling with anyone I would just listen to music and read a ton of books which was my way of coping and taking care of myself. It didn’t help that I was around very toxic people, you know those, the ones who don’t have the best interest in your well-being. At a young age it’s really hard to distinguish good people versus not so good people, but now my sixth sense is on point.
Behind my parents back I started talking to people who would listen; teachers, counselors, pastors, anyone who would listen and would tell my parents that I was suffering. They didn’t, they did the best they could to help me without paying them. There are many people out there who are willing to listen and help the way that I wanted to be helped. Now, being older I got the help that I’ve needed for such a long time. Sometimes, I go off the radar and try to deal with my issues by myself, but I know I’m not strong enough to do it alone. It makes me feel weak sometimes, but that’s not what makes me weak, it’s what makes me strong. Knowing that I have a village who is there for me, helps.