Unfinished Business

Currently there are at least 9 to 12 unfinished paintings in my living room. They have sat there for God knows how long, and I have everything I need to work on them.

Yet, I sit here, staring at them blankly. What do I do? What do I feel? Will my work even be good once I am done with them? Or am I better off getting rid of them altogether?

I struggle with lack of inspiration and motivation. I can't bring myself to sit down and work on anything anymore. I consistently ask myself...what is wrong with me? Why can't I do this thing that I used to obsess over?

Not so long ago was a time when I would fill sketchbook after sketchbook with drawings, studies, doodles and notes alike. I would always have ideas racing through my mind like headlights along the freeway. Every day I would sit peacefully with a pencil in hand and let my mind wander to the happy places I wish I could go back to.

So what happened to me?

I got lost. I consistently work multiple jobs and when I get home...all I want to do is sleep, or sit in the quiet - my paintings staring at me, calling to me to do SOMETHING.

All around me I hear people say, "You just have to do it. It'll come back to you," or "Don't be afraid to go after your dreams!"

I want to. Oh how I want to. But they don't understand. It's not that I don't want to, I love art. I love to draw, paint and sculpt as much as the next artist. It's when I sit down to put my hands to work, that it happens.

I look at the canvas, the page, the clay....millions of possibilities at my fingertips, and yet my thoughts are empty. I see or feel nothing.

Feeling ashamed, I force myself to put the pencil to paper, drawing anything I can think of. That is just it though. I can't think of anything. What I'm left with is some hap-hazard scribble that gave me zero joy to create. It's as if the passion has been drained from my soul; like a leech in my heart sucking out the vibrant color that used to be me.

What once was a cheerful, glimmering light is now a hollow empty shell that wants nothing to do with anything anymore. I feel so....empty....all the time.

I shouldn't feel this way right? I mean, I have two great jobs, a lovely place to call my own, a loving family, a loyal partner and two sweet cats that I honestly don't deserve (They are literally my saving grace most days).

Still, the darkness follows me.

Am I depressed? Is this what it feels like? To want something so desperately but every time you look in the mirror you see nothing? Feel nothing?

What do I do, where do I go? How do I bring myself to back from the maze of absolute shit that has taken over my life? Whatever this demon, this storm cloud is - I just want it to go away. I just want to be myself again.

I know I'm not the only one...but why do I feel so alone?