Untreated ADHD - How 'Fun' It Is

Thanks to being manic, I can't treat my ADHD. Stimulants can make mania worse and yadda yadda yadda. So, until my psychiatrist sees me at neutral or even depressed, she won't give me anything for my ADHD.

Fantastic...

One would think with the soda I drink, and I am on another medication that could actually treat ADHD, I would be both manic and well-focused and under control.

Nope.

I have been bouncing between mixed, hypomania, and mania and my ADHD has been equally the same — a pain in everyone's neck, including my own. I would love to quickly point out that I had no idea someone with bipolar 1 disorder could suffer though hypomania, but I did, so heh.

I have combined ADHD, which is apparently the most common. It means I have a hard time sitting still, tend to drift off in Cryssi-Land, paying attention is almost impossible, and I'm really dang creative. Not saying that all people with ADHD are creative or all creative people have ADHD, just for me, having ADHD helps fuel my creativity.

Just right now, I was thinking of butterflies. I really love butterflies...

When I'm hyperactive, it's both annoying and kinda comical to those around me. What people don't know is that it hurts me. When I'm bouncing around, thoughts going a hundred miles per hour, talking fast, etc, my head is in a lot of pain. I wouldn't be surprised if it's my ADHD that is causing my chronic headache syndrome. I'm exhausted from dealing with it. My husband asks me a lot why I'm so tired all the time. Other than narcolepsy, it's because of dealing with hyperactivity all the damn time.

I go with the flow with it. Trying to control it with will power alone is exhausting to me physically. As long as I can let my ADHD be itself, I don't get too tired and can stay up. The set back is, I'm embarrassing to be around and trust me, that's a very hurtful thing to be told and have repeating over and over in one's head. I try so hard to be 'good', but with all that energy within that can't be used, I just want to scream over and over and go to sleep when all the energy is gone.

The only peace I do get, other than when I let my ADHD take control, is when I hyper focus. It is a long awaited vacation for me. Rather it's a video game, painting, reading, watching something, or on a single thought, it is the only time my mind is slow. It feels like sleeping, but I'm fully conscious. I guess it scares people though when I'm completely still and staring into space.

A huge set back for me is with ADHD, I tend to forget things — a lot. I've forgotten appointments, where I sit things down, and to lock my bike *sighs*. I forgot to lock my bike twice. The first time, I was on a medication that was messing with my narcolepsy and was basically a zombie. My bike was thankfully still there. The second time, I completely zoned out. I almost forgot my phone also, which would had been a lot worse. I thought I locked it up, only to think, "Did I lock my bike?"