Unwanted

Dear Loved Ones,

Have you ever felt like a ghost... a ghost who is trying to reach out to people, but no matter what she does, they will never see or hear her cries for help. Well if you have felt that way, so have I, and it hurts. It hurts that no matter what you do or say, nobody will see or understand you. All my life I've been invisible, at home, at school, in public, everywhere I went I was the girl nobody even noticed. Even in my own family people didn't even know my mother had a second daughter. I go to work and I feel like nobody wants me around but how do I tell my loved ones my true feelings, how do I tell my loved ones that I need their love right now more then ever?

I know my family loves me and people at work love me, but right now their love just isn't enough! I need more than what I'm getting now, I need their support of my well being for me to be okay again. It's hard to talk about my feelings to the people I love, but I want them to help me and understand me but how do I do that? My love for people grows so deep in my soul that the hurtful words they say to me hurt my soul to a point where I feel like dying and I feel even more alone. Nobody gets what goes inside my head, I wish one person knew what it was like to be like me. Then they would know how lonely it is when you have to put on a fake smile to look happy.

For once I would like to not put on a fake smile and have it be a real smile of happiness for once. For once I want to be happy but I can't do that when I don't feel like I'm loved by the ones I love the most. That's why I'm writing out to my loved ones so they know the truth, so they could help me when I'm not saying I need help... I actually am screaming inside for help. My loved ones don't think I love them but they're wrong, they don't see it but they're the most important things in my life. When people touch my heart once, they will forever be in my heart.

So dear loved ones, what do you say to helping me out without the judgmental comments, weird stares, and hurtful opinions that I don't need to hear. I just need the love and support you think you're giving me now but you're not. I know you're all trying to help but it's just making me feel more lonely by the second. All I need is my loved ones to talk to, not some therapist who doesn't even know me... I need my family and close friends. By the years as you all know, I lost friends, boyfriends, family, and all of them hurt equally. What hurt the most was that I gave them my best and they couldn't give me their best and be there for me. It's hard seeing your "friend" lie to you and go behind my back and hurt me. It's hard to see a guy you loved leave you for somebody else out of the blue. There's so many things that run through my mind every day and night of the mistakes I made and the choices I made. And there's nobody else to blame but me! The thoughts and memories keep me up at night and tears roll down my face in the dark with music blasting in my ears. At night is when I feel the loneliest, at night is when everything collides as one and I can't handle all my emotions. I need someone there but I know nobody will ever be there.

I got used to being on my own, but if you guys really loved me then why are you letting me suffer through this? It's a constant struggle every day and night that I go through and I feel like you know I'm struggling, but you let me go through it alone anyway. My question for you is why, why do you let me suffer, my "loved ones"? Sometimes I think the unwanted girl is really unwanted after all, maybe I'll just do everyone a favor and disappear... that's what I'm good for right... disappearing....

Love, The Unwanted Girl