Wake up.

Jubel - Klingande

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I saw you last night.

The last time I saw you you were optimistic—for the both of us.

“We are going to get A’s in this class” you said.

We are.

Always thinking of others.

All of your loved ones were there—L could barely write her name down.

We walked down the aisle, D and I hand in hand, and in the next room were pictures of you, alive, vibrant, young.

I could barely look.

I started to cry, I know you wouldn’t have wanted that but I couldn’t help it.

I can’t help it.

And then…

…there you were.

Wake up. Wake up. Please wake up.

I wanted to scream. Why wasn’t I screaming?

It was odd seeing you, usually beaming with life and love, laying there—just a body.

I couldn’t accept that I couldn’t do anything to wake you up, to bring you back. I would do anything.

They put you in an American flag bow tie—something I know you’d pick out yourself and in that moment I felt comfort, I felt you.

I love you, Alex.

I know I didn’t say it enough and I’m frustrated because of that.

But you loved me regardless.

No matter how irresponsible I was,

no matter how drunk I got,

no matter how insane I was.

You loved me.

It’s setting in now, how much I’m missing you and it gives me such an incredibly heavy heart.

This isn’t like a break up when you end things “for good” because if you really wanted to you could still just pick up the phone.

I don’t have that option because you are no longer here and I’m not sure how long it’ll take me to accept that.

I’ll never hear your laugh.

I’ll never be able to make more memories with you.

But I am so blessed to have already made the most beautiful memories with you—I’ll never forget.

And so today we bury you. All of us.

I know you’ll be there with us.

And when you are, look down at all the lives you’ve graced. Be proud.

I love you always, Alex.

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I saw you today in the beautiful sunset you painted across the sky.I saw you today in the 3 doves that were set free.I feel you in the love I feel from friends—one’s you placed in my life.

I am more thankful today than ever and as I sit here with C, J, and J laughing and reminiscing about your life I am more whole than ever.

Today was a celebration of your short but joyful life.

You did so much without even realizing it and I am forever grateful.

THANK YOU, ALEX.

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For those of you struggling with grief right now, I truly feel for you. Grief feels like each time you try to take a breath something in your gut is weighing you down, preventing you from being able to fully breathe. Truthfully it is something I wouldn't wish upon the worst type of person. But know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you are looking for ways to help cope, please read my post titled Breathe.