Wasting Away

Living afraid is not living at all.

"What is my purpose in life?"

"Why am I here?"...

These are the questions I often find myself asking.

Looking back I realize there were so many things that I wanted to do in high school. I wanted to play for my school's field hockey team, I wanted to be in drama club, I wanted to make as many friends as possible, I wanted to participate more in class... but I did absolutely none of that. I was scared that people wouldn't like me. I was scared to get answers wrong and I was scared to make connections with people. I constantly felt as if I was being judged but really no one was worried about me. I was invisible... and that—at the time—was a good thing. At least so I thought.

I gave my appearance zero effort. I dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants every day, I never participated in class, and I never dared approach anyone first. I kept to myself. I was a certified loner. I graduated high school a year early and I even begged my parents to let me stay home from graduation. They didn't let me, but I still tried.

It's not until I had to start my transition into adult life that I realized how badly these tendencies I had affected me. I realized I had MAJOR social anxiety along with SEVERE depression. I'd apply for jobs and get called in and I wouldn't show! I was too nervous and afraid of facing the "boss" in the much-dreaded interview. It wasn't until I was FORCED by my parents to go to an interview that I finally got a job. Ironically, my first job was as a cashier... which is NOT the position I applied for, but it's what they were short on.

This job, in many ways, was a blessing. It helped me tremendously. I was forced to deal with multiple people, all day, every day. I started to get regulars with whom I enjoyed speaking with. I started making friends with my co-workers and going out with them on the weekends. I was starting to feel normal. Unfortunately, I ended up losing my job and as you can imagine I started becoming a recluse once again. I fell back into my old habits. I had zero human interaction and yeah, I'd apply for jobs and get called in for an interview, but again... I wouldn't go.

It's not until rather recently that I have grown SICK AND TIRED of being this way. I'm tired of constantly wishing I could experience life like others do- when I CAN. I realized that I was the one holding myself back and now I'm taking a stand. If I have to FORCE myself to get up and go to an interview—I WILL. If I have to FORCE myself to approach people first—I WILL. Living life alone is not living at all. I will no longer allow myself to wither into nothingness. I will have meaningful relationships, I will go on adventures and explore this beautiful life that I only have one chance to live. I'm done wasting my life away.

The reason I asked myself those questions so frequently was because I wasn't living my life at all. Of course one is going to start questioning their self-worth if they aren't doing anything! If you stand idle and let your life slip by, you will never feel fulfilled. You will always be asking "Why am I here?"..."What is my purpose?"... and it's because you aren't fulfilling your purpose. Having a job, having meaningful relationships with people, and living the best life you can is your purpose... and if you aren't doing any of that then you will always be stuck wondering.

I hope that anyone who reads this will learn from my mistakes. Please, please, please... do NOT waste your life away. Please don't let insecurities or fear get in the way of ANYTHING you want to do. You have ONE life to live. LIVE IT TO ITS FULLEST.