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In this post, I will be letting you in on my feelings on a day-to-day basis. Not many people know that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Day-to-day life is a struggle, but I have lived with this for so long, I am finally able to speak about it.
Monday 13, August 2018:
I woke up at 9 AM this morning, struggling to get out of bed, with the nagging feeling of not wanting to interact with anyone. I got out of bed and showered, absolutely disgusted with my body. Those voices were back again—they were shouting at me this time. It's never been this bad in the morning. I finished my shower and get dressed, ready for my day ahead. Skipped breakfast because I was running late for work.
Work was a struggle for me today. Nothing at work normally sets me off but today something was just playing on my mind and I couldn't find out what it was. Lunch came around and I just sat outside in the garden.
Come home time, I was so happy to get home. Everything today just pissed me off, I just couldn't deal with anything today. I was so stressed and I don't know why.
Tuesday 14, August 2018:
Sleep last night was non-existent. I could not for the life of me get to sleep. Every time I started to drift off into a peaceful sleep, I woke up.
Getting out of bed was another struggle for me today. I didn't want to go to work. I couldn't face it, but I had to. I need to work. I need to pay the bills.
Got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, I washed and got dressed ready for the work day ahead of me. Journey to work was slow and boring—all I could really do was listen to music. I mean, I'm not moaning. Listening to music drowns out the voices that I hear.
Getting to work, I was early for a change and got all my belongings ready for the day ahead. Work was very slow today. I didn't know what to do with myself, nothing that I could have done. Unfortunately at work, I was not able to listen to music to help me through the day. Heading home I was listening to music again—got home just in time before it started raining. Making dinner was really fun tonight. I had spaghetti bolognese. I love cooking. Cooking is something that I have always loved doing.
Finally, I rolled into bed at midnight.
Wednesday 15, August 2018:
Today was my day off work. I didn't have anything planned for the day so I woke up around 11 AM and started posting on my Instagram account for my second business. After posting some posts about the products I sell, I decided to get dressed and go out for a while. After walking around my hometown shopping centre, I decided to go and see a friend. Spending some time with my friend, I made my way home and continued to post on my Instagram. Finally, the time had passed and my partner was home from work. I made us some dinner and we spent the rest of the afternoon/evening watching Doctor Who.
Today has not been a bad day for me. The voices weren't there today, which I thank the lord for. Finally, I had a day without hearing them. I didn't sleep until 1 AM—no idea why, I just couldn't sleep.
Thursday 16, August 2018:
Today, I spent the day in bed. I just couldn't get out of bed. I felt mentally and physically drained. My partner made sure I was okay. He helped me when I needed him. I spent the day catching up on work and also spent the day watching Doctor Who and spending time with my boyfriend. He made me lunch, and after eating I made sure that I got some fresh air. We went for a walk around our town and were out for about two hours.
Making it back home, I then decided to sleep because I felt horrible. I felt drained and couldn't explain why. I slept for about one hour and then got out of bed and decided to start cleaning our flat. The voices were with me all day today. They were shouting at me all the time. I tried to ignore them but I just couldn't. They were too loud.
Today I went through a mixture of emotions and just couldn't keep my shit together. I broke down before bed. My partner held me as I cried. He is so supportive. He has been my rock for a long time now and I couldn't be more thankful that I have him in my life to support me through all the hard times.
I jumped in the shower at 2 AM and went to bed, couldn't stop tossing and turning. I kept waking up in panic for some reason.
Friday 17, August 2018:
Today I was back at work after having two days off. It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning as I didn't get that much sleep last night. I kept waking up. Woke up with enough time to grab some breakfast, left for work, and went to the local shop to grab my lunch. Getting to work was a long journey as I have to walk it. But on the plus side, I made it to work on time.
Work today was okay. I was very active at work, helped out more than the normal day at work. I need to keep myself active and not mope around all the time, so I kept my mind busy all day.
Lunch came around and I went for a little 15-minute stroll to keep my body active and my mind positive. It worked really well, better than I expected. I got back to work and I felt better. I felt happy.
Work came to a close and I finally started to make my way home. Getting home, my partner had made dinner ready for when I arrived home. It was so cute. He set the table up so that we could sit down together and eat. After dinner, he ran me a bath. (CUTE)
Overall, today has been a pretty good day.
Saturday 18, August 2018:
Today is just not my day...
Woke up late, feeling really crappy about myself. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to face people, but I have to. I've cried this morning after my partner left for work I cried. I couldn't bring myself to cry in front of him.
Work today was just crap. Legit all I have to say about that.
Got home from work and my boyfriend wasn't there, he was out with his friends. I made dinner for myself as he would be out for quite a while, and sat watching Doctor Who. Whilst eating, the voices have come back. Oh, the joys...
Cleaning up after myself, I go and get into my PJ's and get into bed to read a book.
Sunday 19, August 2018:
Woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm, the joys of Sundays. I used to love working over the weekends but now it's just getting too much. Rolling out of bed, I grab myself a breakfast bar and get myself dressed. Making a cup of tea and getting myself dressed, I noticed I still have two hours before I have to be at work. I made my boyfriend a coffee and placed it on his bedside table and woke him up.
Leaving for work, the voices started. I mean they have been there all the time but they started to scream and shout at me. Placing my headphones over my ears, I made my way to the bus stop. My bus never showed, so I decided to walk to work. I was late...
Today is just not my day.
After getting to work, I cracked on with my work. I wanted to power through and make it to the end of my shift. Everything just seemed to trigger me today. Literally everything triggered me and I don't know why.
The time seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, it was time for me to go home.
Getting home was a struggle. The bus never showed so I walked halfway and the bus then drove past me—typical. Got home and decided to have a bath and relax and try and distress. It worked, thank the lord.
Got out of the bath and made some dinner for the pair of us. After dinner, it was time to relax and read, rolled into bed at 10 PM ready for another week of work.
Thank you all so much for reading through this. I know it was long and very boring. But I just wanted to show you what it is like to battle with BPD.
If you want more information about BPD, please don't hesitate to ask.