Welcome to My Mind

In case you haven't read, "Me, Ellen, and The Girl I Wish I Never Liked," I liked a girl when I was in a play back in 2015 and she ended up going with another gal. Now I know what you're thinking, "Don, that was just a crush," "Why do you act like you were going to marry her?" "You're just overreacting," it's okay. I faced enough of those comments already, so if you're thinking it as you read this, it's nothing new. Anyway, after that happened, I was really depressed about it and I thought I was getting better about a few months later... or so I thought.

I don't know if I was okay during the year of 2016 because I caught the news that the girl I liked was engaged and she wanted me to go to the wedding. I rejected that really fast but it felt like I was put to sleep for another year. I know I worked a lot but other than that, I don't remember an awful lot of that year except seeing a few movies.

I ended up going on auto pilot for a while, I was awake for a bit but I'd fall back into auto pilot until February of last year. Since I love movies, I came across this trailer for a movie with Charlize Theron (Monster, Mad Max: Fury Road) called Atomic Blonde and it was directed by David Leitch (John Wick, Deadpool 2) so as the trailer is going and I'm interested in the movie, there's a scene where Charlize Theron and Sofia Boutella (Kingsman: The Secret Service, Star Trek Beyond) kiss each other and I felt myself wake up screaming at my phone, so I paused it and put my phone down.

I was finally awake but I knew what triggered me and at first, it was two women kissing but honestly, I don't like seeing anyone kissing. Over time, my mind would become both a tool and a bomb. A tool because I started writing more and I was getting back into writing lyrics again, but a bomb because I could be doing something and if I remember something about her or even think about her, I get depressed and it can get really deep.

I once wrote lyrics about the things I think of sometimes when I'm depressed along with how I want to tell my family about my depression but it's hard to do that. Eventually, my music taste changed a little, too, because I was always listening to hip hop and rap along with film scores but I listen to other things as well; I listen to The Weeknd sometimes and I listen to oldies a little more than I did at first, but I would listen to this song by gnash and Olivia O'Brien called, "i hate u, i love u" and it became a bit of a helper with me coping.

I was coping with the fact that sometimes third time isn't the charm especially when it comes to liking someone, that I have depression and I have to accept it, and that I got broken down in a way that I never really saw coming because I've only seen my situation play out on some episodes of Jerry Springer whenever I watched it, I never thought about it happening to me which made the experience even more surreal and why I went on auto pilot for a while.

Now... I want to say I'm okay now, but I'd probably be lying to myself so the best thing for me to do is move. I'm aiming for London as my new home since I've always wanted to go there since I was 12 years old; it's hard for me to say that I'll miss being where I am but I will say that I miss some of the people who've been staying with me during this really hard fight I'm facing with my mind.