What Depression Looks Like

Her face fills up with a smile which you could tell is genuine from her eyes. When you talk she listens. She goes that extra mile to make you feel good and validated. No, she doesn’t say what you do is stupid. Because she knows what it feels like when someone hints the least negative thing.

Sometimes she’s silent. You see her struggle for words and she ends up saying something stupid. You laugh but you didn’t know she has social anxiety and the fact that she could have a straight conversation with you means a lot .

You see her at work and you think she’s miserable, she doesn’t like what she’s doing. She’s scared. She’s scared she will mess everything up. She wishes so bad that she could become like you: with your ability to connect with everyone else. The way you draw people to like you. She’s scared of being liked because she might disappoint you sometime.

She goes home alone and on the bus she tries not to meet anyone’s eyes. Headphones in , music turned up loud. Try to avoid everyone around her. But she can’t help it. She watches all the people smiling outside as the bus drives back to her flat. It’s not fair. Why doesn’t she deserve that kind of happiness. Couples holding each other looking at each other’s eyes in that hypnotic stare. Friends smiling and laughing enjoying themselves.

Home. She stares at her phone at the missed calls from her boyfriend. Didn’t people say that relationships help ? She stalls calling him until it gets to the point where he won’t stop begging her to pick up. “I love you,” he says.

And she replies “mhmm...”

It’s been a while since she had told him she loves him. A choking sensation fills her up when she thinks about it. It has been over a year and she still hasn’t recovered. He took her for granted the first few months of the relationship: he was flirting with people behind her back. He was her first kiss, the guy she would wait for after hours of work just for his call. He would be busy with his other girls. She was tired but she still had the energy to talk to him as she sat on the cold floor of her room. She tried to leave him but he begged and threatened to kill himself. It has been two years since...

It’s dark outside. He said he just wants to talk. He grabs her body and claims that he’s loved her for years. She’s so desperate for someone to care about her that she lets him until she realises this is not right. She walks home that night feeling like she’s sold her body.

It’s night time but she tosses and turns and her head feels like it will explode. Why? She can’t explain it. It’s a feeling of self loathing and dread. Like she’s not good enough. She’s not worth it. She’s the odd person in this picture. Take her out and everyone would do much better. Replace her with someone and they’d be much better. She falls asleep as she contemplates suicide and wakes up screaming from her nightmares.

“Why are you so negative?” her friends and parents keep saying. “Think positive.” But to her in her mind positivity has no point: negativity is the reality. Why hide away the reality and live in a false world when you can live with what is true. Why go into a false sense of happiness that’s unreal? Why?

She had the best job in the world. She was smart. She was pretty in her own way. She would have put you closer to her chest and reassured you that your feelings are relevant. She’s kind. She doesn’t judge you.

“Why is she ungrateful?” you say.

No! You don’t say that to the person next to you. You don’t tell people you’re “too negative.” You’re blessed to have a calm mind. Maybe some people are fighting battles they can’t talk to you about. You don’t need to compare her to your level and point out how incompetent she is.

This is something people need to understand. Each of us is individual in the sense that what makes us happy isn’t the same. What upsets us isn’t the same. We didn’t grow up the same. Some people got more love than you. Some people earned less than you. Some people spent day and night sacrificing to get the simple things you have. Peace and sanity of mind even for five minutes maybe a gift for another person.

Don’t push your thoughts and opinions onto another person who god knows is going through a war in her head.

It’s the simple things: the simple values. Tell her she’s doing a good job. Tell her it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell her she’s not worthless. Tell her she’s capable of finding someone better if she leaves him. Tell her she’s stronger than you. Tell her she’s beautiful in her own way and she doesn’t need that expensive make up to make her feel pretty.

If people encouraged each other, loved each other truly AND stood by good values, the world could be a much easier place for her to recover from her silent depression and anxiety.

Good night.