What does depression feel like? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I have depression or if I’m just making these feelings up and or over exaggerating a small sadness. The only thing I know for certain is how I feel. Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, take a shower, or brush my teeth. The amount of energy needed to get out of the bed I just woke up in is overwhelming. Once I’ve managed to crawl out of bed and get into the shower, it is difficult to do anything but stand under the scalding hot warmth of the water. I have to rationalize with myself to wash my hair and body. Sometimes, I’ll even manage to pick up the razor to shave but getting out isn’t too hard though. What gets me is picking out what to wear. Two or more wardrobe changes usually happen. But it’s not always this way. Only sometimes. After all this, I am just too drained to motivate myself to go to class, especially if I already skipped the day before or a day in general.
I tend to justify it by telling myself, “Well, this will be the last class you skip and you’ll make up for it by reading the slides and textbook. You’ll be fine because next time you won’t feel like this so no worries. Just stay home, in your room by yourself and only come out when you need to use the restroom or when you want to get food. But just so you know when you go to get food, you are not going to find anything that you want to put the effort into making so you’re just going to go hungry for a while until you maybe eat some crackers with peanut butter. All you need to do is just lay in bed all day and sleep. Then, occasionally get high to stop the constant torment of boredom, loneliness, and isolation.”
It would probably help if I had friends to hang out with or to talk to. But after a while, my friends start to irritate me and I feel like I start to irritate them as well. It’s not the fact that they are annoying but I guess being around them is draining. So eventually, I’ll start leaving early to walk to class alone, hope that they’ll change their mind about eating lunch together, or hope they don’t recognize me when I’m sitting alone. And this is not just with friends. It also happens with my family. Seeing their name on my caller ID makes me irritable. Even though that is a privilege I know some don’t have anymore. I love them so much but being bombarded with questions about my life is enough to make me snap.
My family won’t understand. The few friends I have won’t understand. They won’t understand that my world isn’t this dark grayness that is commonly portrayed in the media. My world still has colors and light. It’s just harder to enjoy them. Take books for instance, they allow me to join a different world and forget this one. They have become harder for me to read and enjoy. It’s hard for me to immerse myself into the wonderful stories. Reading becomes a chore now. Music doesn’t have the same quality that makes me want to keep listening. It’s hard to find songs I actually want to listen to.
Therefore, I am alone often; alone with only my thoughts and memories. When I feel this way it’s hard to focus on good things. Instead, old memories pop into my head. Memories of times where I have messed up, felt like a failure, or just have done everything wrong. Memories I don’t wish to ever remember. What do I do to distract myself from these memories? Check all my social media a thousand times over, even when there’s nothing new to see, leaving me with a pounding headache.
Tiredness follows me like a shadow. Wanting to cry seems to be second nature. I feel useless and like a failure at my job. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this then I need to be. Maybe I am just someone who is lazy, unmotivated, and a pothead. I can’t say for sure but all I know is that this is how I feel. This is the closest thing that I have been able to put my feelings and thoughts to. And if it turns out that I am a lazy, hateful, stoner hypochondriac, please let me know. So what does depression feel like? I don’t know, but this is what I’ve felt like.