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Journal entry #2 07/09/18
I graduated from high school on May 27th, 2018, and I am attending community college for the fall 2018 school year. To my mother, me attending community is equated to going to jail and it's an embarrassment for her. It doesn't matter to her if it is only for one year and then I plan to transfer to a four-year college, all that matters is that I am not attending a four-year college in the fall and have ultimately failed in some way. I believe she wants me to live the exact map that she has planned out for my life and when I choose to do something different she has a hard time adapting... Why?
My father tells me "Don't worry about the life others have planned out for you, everything is NOT for everybody you must go at your own pace. I love that reminder, it sometimes brings me to peace... Sadly, I don't live with my father. Maybe everything would be smoother in my life if I did?
A lot of times I blame my mom's mother, she single-handedly mapped out my mother's entire life for her and she was naive enough to follow it and still does. Anything my grandmother asked her to do, whether it was "You need to lose weight, change your hair color, don't wear your hair like that, and don't marry him," she would do it. It was a never-ending cycle, but these days I am breaking the cycle. I refuse to live my life for someone else but sometimes I feel maybe I am not strong enough to break the cycle.
Some days I feel really liberated and other days I feel trapped. Maybe I am just an emotionally unstable girl who follows my mom's every command and maybe that's how it was made to be. Sometimes I just don't have enough confidence in myself. Sometimes, I think will this dream I am chasing wind up being as fulfilling as it looks in my mind? Will I even achieve my goals in life? These days I have had a lot of fucking doubt. Most of the time I feel like a failure and I really haven't accomplished anything. I think to myself how am I entering college and she isn't giving me the chance to prove that I can go to community college and still be GREAT, but I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone if I know deep down inside I am great! Maybe that's the issue. Maybe I'm just not a 100 percent sure if I am great.
I think to myself is it all really worth it? But then I chuckle to myself because I remember that pain is only temporary... Well at least that's what they say but what if my pain lasts forever? What if I am constantly looking for this outlet of happiness that might not even exist for me? Deep down inside I believe we were put on this earth to be HAPPY so why am I not? I would compare my happiness to a cloud, there are really good sunny days where I feel carefree and full of life and other days where I feel gloomy and full of demise. It seems like the bad has outweighed the good these days and I truly do want to get AWAY...
A lot of the time I feel alone but I feel better when I write about the thoughts, feelings or emotions rushing through my mind. Sometimes it's overwhelming. This was just a small excerpt of my thoughts recorded that day.