What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Originally I was going to write a descriptive article, filled with psychiatrist jargon and lists. Lists of symptoms which without ticking certain boxes, you'll never get as far as a diagnosis.

My name is Amie and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The symptoms of BPD can make you any kind of person, at almost any time. When someone asks me 'Who are you? What are you like?', my honest answer is that I simply have no idea. My personality changes with the direction of the wind, just like my emotions.

Sometimes I'm that headstrong and competent employee that my employers and colleagues have come to expect.

Sometimes I'm a tear stained mess, frightened to leave my own house.

Sometimes I'm a short and chubby version of the Hulk, with steam coming out my ears and venom spitting from my parted lips.

Sometimes I'm not really sure if I'm anything.

There are nine symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. To qualify for a diagnosis you must have at least five of that nine. I am unlucky enough that I suffer from every single one on that list.

These symptoms are:

1. Impulsivity
2. Self-Harm
3. Fast Cycling Mood Swings
4. Explosiveness
5. Fear of Abandonment
6. Unclear / Unstable Self Concept
7. Emptiness
8. Unstable Relationships
9. Dissociation

These symptoms vary in severity in everyone and can often change over time. As a child, I was frightened and ashamed. I was not taught what to do with my emotions and instead put my energy into burying them. I kept to myself as much as possible and felt guilty for having emotions or needs.

As a teenager, I felt unloved, hurt and angry. I fluctuated between extreme rage, depression, and desperation for any form of affection. I started self-harming, had multiple suicide attempts, was sexually reckless, shoplifted, took dangerous risks and misused substances.

As a very young adult, I disconnected from everything. My emotions and my past were kept on lockdown and I began to build a future for myself. I was overly dependent on my friends or whatever boyfriend I had at the time to keep me distracted and when they eventually tired of being my caretaker I would hit rock bottom. A few more suicide attempts, panic attacks, medication and failed attempts at therapy.

Now approaching my mid-twenties I start trying to reverse the damage that was done over a lifetime. Damage which is done by various significant characters as well as myself. So what is Borderline Personality Disorder?

It is not being in control. It is not knowing who you are. It is feeling everything and nothing. It is not knowing what you feel or why you feel it. It is being unpredictable. It is struggling to make and keep friends. It is not knowing what to do or how to cope. It is going through your own life on auto-pilot, then something snaps and you feel everything at once.

Author's Note:

This article is written from personal experience and the opinions or information contained within cannot substitute for professional medical advice. If you or a loved one are experiencing emotional difficulties please seek help from a doctor.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.