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What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

As most of you may know by now, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I’m going to explain it the best way I know how, with life experiences. Also of course with credible websites. P.S. Mom and Dad please don’t hate me for writing this in the way I saw it... and in the way I felt it was. Basically don’t hate my point of view. I love you.

By Lyndsie JinesPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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For those of you who have been diagnosed with the disorder and find it overwhelming to search the information yourself or if you just want to know more about it; This is for you.This is the depiction and facts from another girl with BPD.

Hi. I’m Lyndsie and my brain has chosen 5:30 in the morning as a prime time to have motivation to write. I haven’t had any sleep either. I keep telling my brain that, but it persistently refuses to listen. I spend 24 hours a day, and 7 days a week fighting my own brain.

I’ve gone from being the utmost depressed, happy, and inspired in less than 40 minutes. I’m an odd one that’s for sure, but not abnormal. There are actually 3 million cases reported each year. So if you were searching just to make sure you weren’t alone in this diagnosis, you’re far from it. That’s the one thing you can always count on not feeling alone about. (A little BPD humor.)

I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) this past September. While most people would think that I’d find relief in knowing what was wrong, I most certainly didn’t. Mostly because I didn’t completely understand what it was and no one was there to explain it. If you read the article before this one, you would understand what I mean. I went to the psychologist there a few times until she told me that “This is not a treatment center” so I stopped going. I no longer saw the point in going if they weren’t going to help me. I have yet to seek therapy since I’ve been home.

...and then just like that 10 minutes after I start actually writing this, I lose motivation for the night/morning to continue on.

Also before I go on, I should mention that I’m not an expert; I’m just the trusty tour guide who’s suffering through it too. So, if you have not been properly diagnosed by a psychologist, don’t try to pin yourself with this disorder just yet.

Psychiatry.org defines BPD as the following, “a pattern of instability in personal relationships, emotional response, self-image, and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid abandonment (real or perceived), have recurrent suicidal behavior, display inappropriate intense anger or have chronic feelings of emptiness.” Also you’ve developed unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes doctors mistake BPD for Aspergers as well because of the lack of impulse control that we seem to have. Such as speaking without thinking, and not understanding some social cues.

My Borderline Personality stems from abandonment and overbearing parents who had to know every move I made in my life. They wanted me to be the perfect child that they could brag to their friends about. They could never understand that I was never going to be like their friend’s children. Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this; I’m sorry. It’s true, but I’m sorry.

My biological mother abandoned me when I was about a year and a half old. (Also again Mother if you’re reading this, I’m sorry but I’ve got to tell this the way I felt it was). My father told me she sold me for a carton of cigarettes and a baby bed. She had another baby on the way. I think that’s when I started to develop issues with self worth. She kept my older sister, and younger brother; but didn’t even bother to keep me around. I’ve always doubted myself because of her.

I’ve only seen my biological mother a handful of times in my life. I’ve felt so lost for most of my life. Mostly because she wasn’t around and neither was any of the family from her side. I didn’t know who I was. I still struggle with knowing who I am. I’ve received multiple reasons why from her, but none of which I believe. I still talk to her as if she’s done nothing wrong though.

Later in my adult years she cried to me apologizing for leaving me and I just stood there half hugging her without a tear to shed. That’s the thing of BPD. One day you can care too much, and then another be cold hearted and not care about anything or anyone.

My mom (stepmom) and dad were over bearing. We fought all the time about privacy and letting me live my own life instead of under their pressurizing thumbs. The next thing that was affected was my ability to make friends. In an effort to keep my private life private, I decided that I just wasn’t going to go out. I wasn’t going to have friends outside of school and that was that. I was a shy kid and it destroyed me when my friendships and messages were invaded by my parents. My relationships as a teenager were ruined a lot of times by my parents' unhealthy shelter they tried to place over me. It was suffocating to say the least. At 17 when I lost my virginity, they grounded me. It was so humiliating.

Sometimes our fights got physical. I’ll leave it at that just for their sake. Every time we would fight they would threaten to pack my bags and send me off to my crazy grandma’s house to live with my mother. They always held the fact that if I thought it was that bad living with them, that it would be 100x’s worse living with them. They constantly told me that my mother didn’t love me. When I was in 7th grade my mother made contact with me through social media. When my parents found out they told me that if I loved them that I wouldn’t talk to her and went as far as grounding me for it.

Maybe that’s why I try to distance myself from them now. I don’t tell them about anything, or explain anything to them... I mean I was never able to keep anything from them while I was growing up. They would read my notebooks and make fun of me. They made fun of me especially when I’d sing and say that it was what I wanted to do when I grew up. They told me I was terrible and allowed my brother to chime in. It destroyed me. The first time anyone ever called me ugly it wasn’t anyone at school, it was my dad. Everything started with them. Everything.

Your personality develops within the first couple of months of your life, and from there is where your unhealthy coping mechanisms start. They form before you even know what coping mechanisms are. They just become your entire being.

There’s a common line shared between people with BPD. “I hate you, don’t leave me.” I saw that and instantly realized that that was how I felt about my mother. BPD in relationships may have you treating your partner like this as well, but you don’t mean to. It’s just your emotions being out of wack. It’s you feeling like you have no control over how you feel, and they just receive the blunt end of it.

My boyfriend gets this from me from time to time too. I’m glad I finally found someone understanding. I went through a lot of rocky roads to find something solid and healthy.

Here’s a short documentary I found on Pinterest one day to help show what it looks like/

Just Incase I didn’t explain enough.

personality disorder
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About the Creator

Lyndsie Jines

Sharing intelligent conversations

Poetry

Also known to remember things that could have been said, but realizes it’s too late to add anything because too many have already read it.😂

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