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What Is C-PTSD?

How It Affects Me

Complex trauma disorder is something I deal with daily. It is a source of constant stress for me. I have no idea if I’m ever going to be able to find treatment for it. I know how to live with my symptoms. My medication helps a lot, and nobody wants an out-of-control psychic with C-PTSD and schizoaffective with rapid cycling bipolar 1 features losing it. My trauma becomes known to other people should I lose control of myself. You can only hear so much about trauma anyway since some people can’t hear about it besides.

C-PTSD comes from chronic sexual abuse, psychological and physical abuse, neglect, domestic violence, kidnapping victims, hostages, indentured servitude, human trafficking, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, concentration camp survivors, boarding school survivors, and those who have left cults or cult-like organizations. Sometimes C-PTSD is known as Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified. I would say I have this sort of stress on me, too. Joy. PTSD was developed for adults who suffered trauma such as abuse or war. I’ve had an intense childhood trauma that includes almost dying from type 1 diabetes at 10. This is something I rarely talk about in public for fear of stigma. I never talk about it on Facebook or my blog but that might yet change eventually.

You see, not having insulin for like a year because nobody had the balls to say I’m a type 1 diabetic to my face or my parents' face messed me up. It meant my diabetes became brittle fast. Just because I have experienced instant healing on occasion doesn’t mean it happens all the time. Sure, I’m a powerful healer but not all the time and not with my family's toxic energy in the mix. Pre-diabetes was traumatizing to endure as a child. Not knowing I had schizophrenia from 22, again more trauma. Those of us with C-PTSD are the sorts of people who get very detailed flashbacks. You get stuck in seeing that event. Your body shakes, and you feel bad. You get hot/cold flashes or chills.

The thing about C-PTSD is that you do not feel safe anywhere or with anybody even if psychologically you feel safe around certain people. Yes, I feel like I’ve lost myself. The difference between C-PTSD and PTSD is that the loss of self is what defines C-PTSD. C-PTSD involves violence during a captivity situation, which led to loss of control, as well as coinciding with the death of a loved one. C-PTSD is something I have lived with a very long time, having no idea about how it manifested in my childhood. Since I rarely ever feel safe anywhere, feeling safe is a foreign sensation to me. So is not having anxiety as I got to experience for two weeks in my quality management class. Since my relationship trauma on both ends is related to my C-PTSD, shall we say I’m not looking for a friendship with a relational bully ever again?

My childhood has caused me most of my C-PTSD. I have been put through hell. My kids, even if they come from a surrogate mother, are not going to be put through the same hell. If anything, I have plans to teach them how to stand up for themselves and not take things. I avoid people more than I should given my circumstances.

Yes, C-PTSD goes by many names. Complex PTSD comes from feeling trapped your whole life, as well as experiencing repeated abuse from a caretaker. There was no way for me to escape my childhood. I still feel trapped because of my financial situation. This is why I’m protesting Thanksgiving by not going to Thanksgiving. Nobody is on meds except me and the two people who really don’t need them. I’m just going to remove myself from this toxic environment. Nobody really talks about fun stuff either. I’d rather have fun. Thanks.

Works Cited

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What Is C-PTSD?
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