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What Is Life

A Question I'm Constantly Asking

What is life?—it's something I've always asked my mom, my friends, and every guy I've ever dated. What is the meaning of life, what is our purpose, why are we here? My oldest son was going through a tough time when he was 8 because his dad took his brother and sister away from him and it was just me and him on our own. He was always sad and one day he came and asked me, "What's the point in life, Mom?" All I could do was look at him and my eyes teared up. It's a question I've always wanted answers to and here I was sitting with my 8-year-old child who felt lost and alone. So I looked him in the eye and told him "The purpose of life is to be happy. Find your happiness."

As a parent it's hard to see your child be sad and depressed because all you want to do is make them feel better. You want to see your child smile and laugh and enjoy life. But when their happiness gets stripped away from them, they don't know how to live. They fall into depression and struggle to get back up. My whole life I've struggled with depression and always wondered, why am I still alive, what is my purpose for being here? I look for validation in others. I'm constantly looking for someone else to give me a reason to live, give me a reason to smile. Never seems to work out, though—they can only make you happy for a short time.

I like to think the purpose of life is to just be happy, to just find what it is that you enjoy so much so that you wake up every day like, "yes I'm happy because of this." But I'm not wired that way. I have so many days where I love sports and reading and telling jokes. Then I have days where I hate sports, I have no energy to hold a book and read, and I can't bring myself to laugh or look at the bright side of things. I just see life like it's pointless and meaningless.

I have some really good days and some really bad days. I just wish the good outweighed the bad but so far, in the 30 years of my life, it seems the bad surpasses the good. Everyone's view of life is very different, especially if you're religious—then God plays a role in your view of life. I'm just struggling to find the good in life. To find the good in people and to find my purpose. I just want to know why I am here, what it is that I should be doing to make a difference. How can I wake up every day and hate life so much? What can I do to change it?

I know it's stupid to say I need someone else to tell me what to do, but sometimes in life we need a push. We need someone to throw an idea out there and see if it fits who we are. If you go your whole life having people tell you you're an amazing basketball star then you're going to believe it and pursue a career in it. You might actually be awful or maybe just average but because you're constantly being told you're amazing, you believe it and you turn it into something you love and you make it your life. This is what I need. I need someone to tell me this is who LeAnn is, this is what you're meant to do on this Earth.

"What is life?" will forever be a question I cannot answer with sincerity. Maybe one day I'll have the answers and I'll be able to write about it without doubt. Right now it is just a question I will continuously ask every person I ever meet. "What is the definition of life? What does it mean to you?" I hope one day someone gives me an answer that makes sense and comes with weight so it'll root me to this place and I won't feel like I'm just floating by.