What Is Wrong with Me?

No one ever thinks they'll end up where they are as a child. We all think were going to be something or someone someday. I thought I would be a lawyer or a doctor. Maybe even a movie star or a singer. I thought I would be something great. But I'm not.

I always thought I could be somebody or do something. In high school I was into fashion. Deep into fashion. I watched Project Runway and I made my own dresses for Halloween and my senior prom. I even helped my best friend edit her dress for our military ball.

I thought my dreams were coming true when I received a letter from a fashion school in New York based off of my Pre-SAT's. I showed the packet to my dad, I asked about grants and scholarships, anything that would make it so I could go.

He... he told me I wouldn't qualify. I wouldn't be able to make it. That no matter what I did I wouldn't be able to do it.

What I took away from that is that I am too stupid and too poor to even try. I was crushed. The future I dreamed of just... died. I don't even have a sewing machine in my house anymore. I didn't have a plan B.

About a year after, I graduated and tried finding what else I could do. I tried going to college, I was going in for business.

Not even a month in, I had to quit and go on bed rest.

I still had to pay those stupid fees and I accrued a mountain of debt.

I tried beauty school. I was doing okay but then one day I asked why I was even there. I haven't gone back...

Since then I've had various jobs, moved half a dozen times.And tried to commit suicide twice.

Twice.

And here I am. thinking about a third.

People ask, "Why, you have so much to live for!" and I hate it when they say that.

I anger my husband constantly. My kids can't even write their letters let alone identify which are which. We are severely behind on all the chores. I can barely manage to get myself up in the mornings. Half my family hates me and the other half have forgotten I even exist.

Do you know how heartbreaking it is to see your cousin at a funeral and have them ask your best uncle, "Who is that?"

"Tammy."

"Who's Tammy?"

Or to have one of your great aunts, who taught you in middle school by the way, scowl at you. I don't even know what I did wrong.

My best friend is even moving on without me. She is buying a house, BUYING. She has like five degrees and a job at a place she likes.

All I can think is "What is wrong with me?"

Why are all my colors dull?

What is wrong with ME?

Why did I get the short end of every stick?

My cousins? They all got parents that push them to do better. Encourage them to keep trying. Me? I don't have that.

I don't even know what it's like for a parent to say they're proud. My father got mad when I tried to do AP classes. Said I would never make it.

I feel like rainbows are happiness and I'm color blind. I'm struggling, desperate, to see the colors on the spectrum but everything is just so... Grey.

What is wrong with me?

I've tried the medication route. They make me tired. I've told the doctors. they said I needed to give it time, and its been a month.

What is wrong with me?

What

IS

WRONG

WITH

ME?