What It Feels Like to Have Schizophrenia

Everything is loud. Here I will write about what it was like to have schizophrenia as a child, not know what it was, and not having a diagnosis I could tell people about that they would understand. These days, my experience in class means I feel less wound up overall, to the point of not being wound up at all, in fact, which makes me feel odd. For somebody with real psychic talent, the input comes hot and heavy: everybody’s energy, everybody’s aura colors. Not being on meds meant that I was helpless at regulating the input I got from my mind. As an adult, on the right medication, I’m able to see that I can regulate the input better. I can also shut it off since I took a class on the off switch.

Not having an off switch as a child was terrifying since I’d get delusions and impressions at the same time, and had trouble filtering which was which. I mean, I spent many hours in high school feeling terrible. I was depressed one minute, manic the next, and mixed by the time the bell rang. Not having meds is terrifying. I also felt double anxiety from being anxious. It is interesting though how my meds can offer me zen experiences on the expressway near me. I felt at total peace in the car. I somehow found a huge zen state when I was getting onto the expressway. I have studied Buddhism in my adult life and I’m pagan, but growing up I’d get symptomatic in church and that would leave me very anxious. Anxiety followed me around while I was growing up. I couldn’t shake it. Caffeine makes me anxious, as does sugar. I cut caffeine out of my diet as an adult when I realized it was addicting and making me manic. In a way, I was addicted to my own mania.

I would have dark thoughts at night. I’d be angry and imagine hurting people who bullied me or I’d be depressed and imagined what would happen if I died. It is hard to resist dark thoughts when not on a mood stabilizer. How would my life have been different if I had meds as a child? In college, I spent a half semester not on meds. By the end, I went the get-meds route. I got on Abilify, which only treated half the problem. I didn’t get a concrete schizophrenia diagnosis until 2012. I heard I was bipolar 1; my diagnosis is schizoaffective. It means I’m both schizoaffective and bipolar. This means I need to take my medication daily. I know somebody who habitually skips doses when she goes out at night. I can’t do that. This would kill me.

Not taking my medication would be a terrible mistake. It would lead to messed up blood sugars, bad driving, car accidents, and overall mischievous behavior. Skipping my meds is not an option. Ever. Some of my friends get away with skipping doses, and this appalls me, since medication gives you a way to stay stable daily. Stability is hard earned. Sometimes you have to be on a higher dose of meds. My irresponsible mentally ill friends, I feel I have to dump when they do irresponsible things. Mania is dangerous to expose yourself to.

It does harm to your brain and your adrenalin since that is pumping very hard when mania is active. I got addicted to my own mania because the rush was intoxicating. I’m now grounded and able to fend off mania. Also, my unique talents go out of control when I’m manic. Spoons and forks bend, lights flicker, and I can’t focus on much. My meds give me focus and great clarity. I mean medication works by relaxing you before your symptoms crop up.

Mania can cause brain damage. I lost many good years not being on meds. I can’t over do anything because that makes me wake up stressed or manic but functional and I stay home all day if I’m overloaded. If I’m not overloaded, I can stick out whatever it is I’m doing. Overload is real. It is why I have to limit what I get done each day or quarter or semester. I have to set firm limits on how much I need to finish. All through my higher education, I will have to determine what parameters I can plan my day with. Otherwise, it gets stressful. I’m relieved I’m stable. This is why I take my medication daily.