Growing up, and to this day, I was very shy. I had very few friends and definitely was not considered popular. Raising my hand in class makes me feel nauseous, even if I know the right answer. I hate being the center of attention and have very low confidence. But, for some reason, I have always wanted to start a YouTube channel.
I have had a YouTube channel since November of 2017, about six months now. It has been an incredibly rewarding experience for me. I don't have thousands of followers yet; in fact, I don't even have 50 yet. But as a person with social anxiety, YouTube has really made me come out of my shell and allows me to show people who I really am behind the anxiety.
My first video was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I filmed it with my best friend, Tyler. I was so nervous people that I knew would laugh at me or make fun of me for things I did in the video. Basically, things I shouldn't have even cared about, but I did.
I spent almost a whole day editing this video to make sure it was perfect before I uploaded it. I wanted to ensure that it was something I was proud of, and it certainly was.
I uploaded and waited to see what would happen. And to be honest, nothing really did. I didn't become an internet sensation overnight like I dreamed I would. I believe I got about 20 views in the first 24 hours it was uploaded. I was blown away. That was insane to me. That 20 people would sit down and even begin to watch my video.
This made my confidence soar. I really don't know why. But, I began to upload. A lot. I had about 16 videos up between November and February. Still, not much was really happening. I was getting plenty of views on my videos, but not much was happening to my subscriber count.
I felt like I should have been doing better. So I took a break.
More recently, within the past two weeks, I have been feeling as though I could be doing more to really up my game. I am on summer vacation, so this is the best time to really sit down and film a bunch of videos and see if anything happens.
Being a YouTuber with social anxiety can make it really hard to want to sit down and film a video. I am also a very introverted person, so sitting and talking to myself in front of a camera is hard for me.
I have been pushing myself as much as possible to sit down and film, sometimes three videos in a day. If I am having a good day, the easier it is for me to sit down and knock out some videos.
But, the hardest part of all is editing. I have to sit and look at myself for a couple hours and rewatch myself talking. This has been the hardest struggle. A lot of times I want to just pick up and throw everything away because my voice sounds weird that day.
I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and who I am because I really can't change anything. Filming is one of the best things to happen to my confidence. Not just with my makeup, but in every aspect of life. I still don't have a huge following, but I am really happy I am doing this.
Now I don't even care if I look like an absolute nut on camera, because in all reality, who cares if people don't like it? That is the biggest lesson I have learned so far. For every person that doesn't like you, there's going to be 50 that do. So, I don't let anything bother me anymore when it comes to my audience.
I have even begun to make some friends along the way, so if I don't find fame in YouTube, at least I have found confidence, which is most important to me.