What It’s Like to Be “That Girl” at the Party

When you go to a party or gathering, what do you expect? Most of the time, you see people interacting, catching up, or chatting in groups? But what about the girl in the corner, off to the side, face in phone, pretending to be busy, or even worse—hanging out with the owner’s dog. That girl is me.

As I sit off to the side while everyone is chatting it up or stuffing their face with snack foods, all I can seem to do is stress. A million thoughts run through my head. “What if I look stupid sitting here? What if people look at me and think I’m weird? I wanna speak, but I don’t know how! I’ll just keep looking at my phone so I look busy, maybe I’ll blend in. Why can’t I think of anything to speak? Maybe if I go to a different room, nobody will notice. No, no I’ll definitely get noticed for doing that. Oooh, that food looks sooo good. Wait, what if I stumble while getting the food?! I’ll embarrass myself so bad. What if I grab the wrong plasticware and have to go back, I’ll look so stupid. Man, I am hungry though. Maybe I can just get a small amount and nobody will pay attention. But maybe I should get more so that I’ll have something to do so I don’t look so awkward. Wait, What if someone tries to talk to me? How do I respond? What if it’s something that I know nothing about? What if someone says something funny?! Do I overtly laugh or slip just a slight chuckle? How do I end the conversation without awkwardly walking away? Ugh. I’m just gonna stay right here and hopefully, no one will notice me.”

My mind zooms over and up and down to every thought possible. I fight with myself to even go to the bathroom! I feel so pathetic and stupid for feeling this way, but I know I’m not the only one.

As much as I hate events and gatherings, I can’t be a hermit 24/7. I have to put my brave face on and tough it out for a few hours. It makes me feel so bad when I’m at a family gathering and I stay out of the way. Not only am I afraid of what people think of me, but I’m also scared of hurting people’s feelings. I can’t go around telling everyone at the party, “I’m scared of you and what you’ll think of me,” so nobody really knows what’s going on. Plus, I'd definitely get a lot of unwanted attention. I’d hate for people to feel like I don’t like them or I’m miserable at their home/gathering. I just don’t know what to do. I am incapable of thinking properly in the moment. You know when you’re so mad that you can’t think straight or scared for your life that the only thing you can think of is the fear—that’s what it’s like. It feels like my brain is in a box and it can’t escape. It’s pure torture.

It doesn’t really make sense to me why I am so scared. I’ve been told it’s social anxiety, but everyone has some form of social anxiety. It’s so common among people, but what I deal with—doesn’t feel common. I know part of it is rejection, self esteem problems, etc. but what can you do? When you grow up scared of people, it’s hard to just “grow out of it.”

So how do I cope? “This too shall pass.” As cliché and common as the saying is, it is very helpful in uncomfortable situations. I repeat it to myself a thousand times if I have to. I just keep reminding myself that once the few hours are past, I get to go back home, snuggle in my bed with my favorite bear, and be safe. I just have to push through for just a little longer. It’s tough. It’s an awful feeling, but I can’t hide away from life forever. I have to come out of my safe zone and face life head-on. It sucks, but I have no choice.

So as far as I’m concerned, it absolutely sucks being that girl at the party, but it’s okay to be her. I have learned to accept that. If I get an opportunity to speak, I do what I can. But I always remember I am in charge. I am in control. I do not have to go out of my way to put myself in an even more uncomfortable situation to satisfy another. My comfort and safety are what matter. Just like any other anxious person, It’s okay to do what you have to do to be comfortable or feel safe in an uneasy environment. It doesn’t make you selfish or rude. We’re allowed to care about ourselves. We do not have to succumb to the person others want us to be. It's okay to be you. No one should ever tell you otherwise even if its regarding your mental health. Ever.