What It’s Like to Have Anxiety

Every since I started high school, I felt as though there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was always on the edge of falling apart. I was scared to go out and do things with others. I was afraid to get close to others in the fear of them ending up leaving me. When I did start to engage with others it seemed as though it was getting worse. I got involved in a relationship with my current boyfriend my freshman year, and things were going fine for me at first then I started becoming more and more anxious. I felt as though I was going crazy. I still think I could be crazy today.

Things progressed; over time I became more anxious and felt more insane. I was worried, always thinking of things that could happen or overthinking things that I didn't even need to think of. Finally, my junior year I decided to go to the doctor and figure things out. He diagnosed me with a panic disorder, which is a form of anxiety. He prescribed me Zoloft to take everyday, and Xanax to take when I have my panic attacks. I had started to have panic attacks at school and that's why I decided to go to the doctor. Life in high school is hard enough but when you add having a panic disorder on top of that it becomes even harder. Still today, I find myself over thinking things and going into a dark place. I have to try to get myself to snap out of it. Only the people close to me know of the problems that I have and the true story behind them, everyone else just thinks I'm crazy. They don't understand what it's like to deal with having a panic disorder. It took my mom awhile to understand what I was going through she still doesn't understand what is going in my head. I always have this fear that something will go wrong — like I am bound to end up doing something wrong. Things will go wrong and I will always have this fear in the back of my head. It's like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I never feel like I will be happy for long. I am scared to death of being disappointed. I feel like I can’t allow myself to be happy. I’m scared honestly. I’ve even considered picking up smoking and trying to find something to keep myself sane. I always worry even when I don’t need to worry. It has become a problem in my relationship. My boyfriend has had to find a way to deal with it, because I know it just won’t go away. When I miss some of my medicine, I become very sad and depressed. I don’t know what to do to make myself happy. I feel like he is trying to take care of me though. He is trying his best to understand how my mind works. I feel like I need to go to therapy, it might help. Although my mom isn’t really a big fan of it. She thinks I will be fine without it. I think I need it though, because I worry way too much right now. I feel like I need someone to talk to about it so I don’t take it out on others. I feel as though no one understands. And that hurts because I feel alone. Sometimes I think I am just crazy, but I know that that can't be true or I would have worse ideas in my head. Although, my head is a truly scary place, I try to contain it.