Psyche logo

What Living with Depression and Anxiety Is Really Like

Not as Easy as It May Seem

By Myles BowmanPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
Like
"Why do I even exist?" 

Imagine waking up every day with your first thought always being, "What kind of day am I going to have today?"

The Anxiety Filter

Then picking yourself up and saying, "Let's just get through today," or "I'm going to be positive today." Only to have it come crashing down by some small insignificant thing that someone says or something that happens in your daily routine.

The intention is to always think positive and for the most part that's what everybody else says you should try to do too, but it's not that simple.

It makes it increasingly difficult especially with anxiety filtering all of your thoughts and turning them into negativity feeding your depression.

For me I spend most of my time worrying about things I shouldn't, thinking things about people that aren't true and avoiding time spent with them in any capacity.

I have gotten extremely good at convincing myself that people who talk to me, co-workers, friends, and family all only do it because they have to or because they need something. I always assume that they are just being nice and actually hate me or think I'm stupid so I end up pushing them away first.

To make it even worse I constantly tell myself that the world would be better off without me or that I just can't take it anymore. That's the really horrible nature of these two co-dependants the constant thought of suicide.

It's somewhat comforting to think that maybe I'll meet someone who will understand me and put up with me, but then always pushing them away because you make yourself believe that you're going to ruin their lives by being who you are or that once they realize what you're actually like to live with you'll come home one day and they'll just be gone.

It's just easier being alone, right?

Most people talk to doctors or a psychiatrist and get put on antidepressants which I have heard in a lot of cases don't actually help.

I have found that marijuana is a huge help in that once ingested or inhaled my anxiety filter goes away and I am actually able to socialize normally. Most of the time it's a big help, but not always.

I like to call them my bad days you know the ones where you walk around all day with the burning feeling you get when you can't remember if you locked the door or shut the stove off, but all the time.

Whenever I get like this I completely shut everybody out and keep all my negativity to myself because "no one can be bothered with my problems" I usually tell myself.

It doesn't stop there.

Picture every moment in your life or as many as you can and think of all the negative ones where something embarrassing or bad happened to you.

Now imagine you're on vacation at a resort destination having the time of your life with people you love. Then a memory like that surfaces... no big deal for normal people, but for someone like me that's the cue to retreat inside for the rest of the day into your dark cave known as your bedroom.

Fortunately, it doesn't happen every day, but it definitely is a struggle and I always like to think that it takes a kind of strength to tell your anxiety and depression to just fuck off someday. The trick to living with depression and anxiety that I have found is to find a way to joke about it. I know that sounds stupid, but believe me it helps to think that you're laughing at your flaws before other people can which makes what they think meaningless, at least that how I have always perceived it.

coping
Like

About the Creator

Myles Bowman

Currently Discovering new paths in life and that has led me here!

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.