What Others Can’t See

Depression.

A 10 letter word that over 350 million people are going through as I am typing this. There is a whole variety of different types of depression. But the one type that the majority of the people ignore is major depression. It’s the type where you stay in bed all day, staring at the ceiling. It’s quiet in the room, you can practically hear yourself breathing, but your mind is running wild, with uncalled for thoughts that you let take over. My own depression has me debate if I even wanna get up to use the restroom, because that will require me to get up, that will require me to open my door, and see the little bit of sunlight escaping the curtains in the living room and hitting the hallway that leads to my room. That will require me to drag my feet on the cold floor, and see myself in the mirror. See how messy my hair is because I don’t ever brush it unless I go to work. Otherwise it’s usually in knots after knots in a big bun. Being able to see the dark circles under my eyes from only a couple hours of sleep the night before. See how pale my skin is because I'd rather choose the comfort of my room.

My depression includes me going through old videos of myself, seeing how much I’d laugh at such moments. My depression includes a pile of clean clothes in my laundry basket all wrinkled, and uncared for just because the fact that I rather choose my bed. My depression includes me hearing from multiple people, why don’t I go out? Why don’t I talk to anymore people like I used to? My depression includes feeling alone in a room full of people, just because I feel whatever words come out my mouth are never satisfying to a person's ear. My depression includes me never being sober at nights, never going to bed with a clear mind, always intoxicated to where I don’t feel that sad cold feeling in my chest. Instead I feel the warmth and burning sensation from the booze. My depression includes me rewatching a birthday video of my mom and me and seeing her shake me as we laugh together, as she hugs me wishing me I had a great 18th birthday. My depression includes me playing her funeral CD over and over right after my birthday video.

It includes me taking 2-3 hour showers late at night in ice cold water just standing there thinking about every memory, every moment that I wish I could change. My depression includes me forgetting sometimes to eat. Until my stomach starts to hurt later on that day. My depression brings anxiety attacks, headaches, and anger. My depression includes me having breakdowns in the restrooms at work, in the shower at home, and on that park bench where my mother and I used to talk late at nights. Every night when I walk home from work and I pass by it on my way home, I always just sit there by myself reliving memories with her. My depression includes me staying up till the sun rise shows up. Which causes me to sleep all day after this. And repeat this process over and over again. Depression isn’t a joke, it isn’t a weakness and it isn’t pathetic. It’s a constant battle between yourself, and the shadows that haunt you day by day. Leaving you exhausted, drained, and soulless.