What's It like Living with Depression and Anxiety?

Mental health today is finally coming to the forefront as a topic that people are willing to listen to. More and more influencers are coming out and speaking openly about their struggle with mental health problems. One of my favorite examples; radio and tv personality Charlamagne Tha God, even has a book coming out discussing his battle with Anxiety. But what is it like to actually struggle mentally? What’s that fight like and how does it compare to what others on the outside looking in see? Well, let me take you on a tour by sharing my battles.

I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety back in March of 2018. While the few people who actually know this about me think this is an all new thing, it actually extends all the way back to my childhood.

Backstory

As a kid, I kind of knew something was a little off about me. I used to always get nightmares which led me to do everything I could to avoid sleeping. Granted it didn’t help that I would watch Courage the Cowardly Dog before bed, but I don’t think cartoons were the reasons behind this. I did see a school counselor about this when I was in first grade, but being a kid I just looked at it as a way to avoid class and getting to play board games.

As I grew up, I started noticing more and more things that were off about me. The biggest thing was that I absolutely hated conflict and arguments. Maybe it was because of the way I grew up, watching the adults in my life arguing or hearing yelling at all hours of the day. I just hated the noise. As a kid I would cover my ears and close my eyes, pretending that I was anywhere else but in that moment.

As a teenager and now as an adult, I tend to just isolate myself in my room, or find any reason to leave wherever the stress is coming from. Many people in my family just thought I was anti social and didn’t want to be near anyone.

In high school we were given these psych exams that had us fill in bubbles about how stressed out we were, do we experience anger, sleep issues, anything like that. I filled it out honestly, bubbling in that I was stressed out and it’s led to some anger problems at times. I wound up getting called into the school psychologist’s office where she discussed my answers and asked if I needed someone to talk to. I never really trusted many people so I lied and said everything was okay now, even retook the exam and lied about those answers just to avoid speaking the psychologist.

What triggers my anxiety?

Fast forward all the way to January of 2018. This was the height of my stress level thus far. I was working 35+ hours in a flagship retail store while being a full time student. Having those: an executive role in my fraternity, and hosting a podcast took a lot of energy out of me. This was also the time when I became the breadwinner in my household and had financial responsibilities stacked on top. When I would talk to some family members about the stress of the responsibilities I would hear how they went through the same thing or they had this plus a child. Basically telling me to stop complaining.

The mountain of stress started getting to me, I felt like I was trying my hardest to get by day by day, but everyone who saw me could never see the issues. One day I got into a fight about promising to pay something and realizing I didn’t have enough to do that and cover my bills. That’s when I started noticing my triggers which were moments of high stress or high emotions.

Step 1) Racing Thoughts

Think about the last fight you had with someone. It can be a friend, family member, significant other, anyone. Usually when the fight ends you take some time to think it over. You think about what was said or what you could have done different. But after that and the two of you reconcile everything is over.

It’s not that simple for me. When I get into a serious fight with someone, it doesn’t end after we reconcile. What happens is that the fight replays in my mind. I can remember every single word that was said about me and how it made me feel. Then my mind tends to bring other bad things up that the person has said about me before. This is what makes arguing with my family worse because they say a lot about you throughout your life, both good and bad. My mind will grab those things said about me and everything would start playing back to back. Slowly they start getting faster and faster, until they become uncontrollable. Then you tack on all the other stresses I have: school, work, finances. It just becomes too much

It’s like having a tornado spinning around in your head. And no, I can’t just think about something else or make it stop. By that point it’s too late and I have no other option but to let it run its course. Most times it would end right there. But sometimes it escalates further.

Step 2) Mental & Emotional Breakdown

I’m human, of course I have emotions. But very few people actually see all of them. Outside of when my great grandmother passed away, no one in my family besides my grandmother and my father can say that they’ve seen me cry unless they were talking about me as a kid.

But when these thoughts race to a certain point, I tend to break down. I’ve had moments where I’m by myself in my room, everything off, having these “episodes” as I call them and they would end with me in tears until I somehow will myself to stop or fall asleep.

There’s been two moments when it’s almost happened around another person. Remember that promise to pay something that I couldn’t afford to do? Well after that fight I went on the 6 train and almost had an episode in a train car full of people. I was texting my dad at the time and told him everything that was going on. My dad is one of the few people that actually knows about my mental health struggles and understands what I’m going through. So whenever I have something going on, chances are he’s the one I tell.

The second time I’ll share with you later on in this story.

Step 3) Lack of Motivation

Anyone who knows me knows how motivated I can be. When I want to do something; whether it’s been creating content online, starting a business, I would always double down on it without any hesitation.

Well, I was the complete opposite during this time. I had no motivation to do anything. I skipped the first week of classes completely because I just didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go to work, but forced myself to because we needed the money. Now that sounds like just a young adult trying to avoid responsibilities, but I also had no motivation to do the things I loved. I didn’t want to go to the studio to record my podcast, I didn’t want to read even though I love books. I didn’t even want to play video games, which is something I’ve been doing since I was old enough to pick up a controller.

All I did at the time was either stay home in my bed, or go to campus and hide out in the library. I would wait for class to end and then head straight home. When it came to work I wouldn’t care about being the best I could. I had to paint a fake smile and act like I was happy to be there. My supervisors or coworkers didn’t notice because I was showing the same outgoing personality I had and was still getting sales and helping guests, but inside I just didn’t want to be near anyone.

Step 4) Irregular Sleeping Patterns

When you hear about trouble sleeping, you probably imagine someone who has little to no sleep. But I was the opposite, I slept way too much.

I’m an early bird. Currently I wake up at 5:00 AM when I’m going to work and 7:00 AM when I’m off work.

During this time I was sleeping until noon and sometimes even later than that. It was another reason why I didn’t want to leave my bed.

Hitting Rock Bottom

March of 2018 had to be my breaking point. Between January and March of 2018 I had three of those episodes; one each month. But the one in March had to have been the worst one.

I had gotten into another fight and locked myself in my room. I felt the thoughts racing in my head and it was racing too fast for me to distract myself. I had to talk to someone and hope that would help the situation. I wound up calling my dad. My dad works nights, so he knows if I’m calling then it’s serious. I told him everything that was going on and he tried his best to help me through this. But the thoughts were just getting faster and faster as he’s talking and I felt the tears starting to come down. In my head I was begging him not to get off the phone because I know what would happen next. Unfortunately he did have to go, and I played it off like everything was fine, the second that call hung up I was in full breakdown for what felt like forever.

It was at that moment when I realized I needed help. I couldn’t get myself together to call so I text one of my pledge brothers who worked at my college’s counseling office. I just asked him how do I start seeing a counselor and gave him a brief insight to what was going on. He told me what to do and said for me to come in tomorrow to fill out the forms.

Getting Help for This

The next day I went to campus early to stop by the counseling office. I had messaged my two best friends about it. Telling them I had to see a counselor and things were just being too much for me to handle. I walked into the counseling office a mess. I saw my pledge brother in the office and I felt like I hit rock bottom. I had my hoodie up, tears in my eyes, too choked up to even say a word. He had me set up and I filled up the forms.

Here I am, sitting in a counseling office for the first time in over 18 years, with some guy that knows nothing about me. Yet, I was comfortable enough to tell him everything that was going on with me. I told him about the stresses, the racing thoughts, the sleeping issues, the lack of motivation. After a few weeks of talking he shared with me that after discussing with his supervisor (he was a grad student and his supervisor was a psychologist) they said I show signs of depression and anxiety.

It’s a weird feeling when you know something’s wrong with you, then you finally get an answer. I thought that may have been the case because I googled what was going on with me (yes, I was that person) and that’s the result that came up. I told someone in my family and their only response at the time was “I don’t see how because you have nothing to be depressed about.” If you want to feel 100% like crap, have someone basically downplay what you’re going through.

After talking to both my parents about it, I found out I had a history of both depression and anxiety in my family. The depression is on my dad’s side and the anxiety on my mom's. I happened to be the lucky child with both. I don’t know if these are actually hereditary, but it’s interesting to know.

Aftermath

I talked to that counselor for the rest of the semester. I had to stop because I’m no longer a student in the college until the winter. But they did refer me to some other services by my house. I now speak to a counselor at least once a week.

I started doing different things to relieve my stresses. After talking to my dad and grandmother, I decided to take a gap semester from college. I’ve been in school every year for 20 years and I didn’t want to go back if I couldn’t give it my all. I started going to the gym as a way to challenge myself. I now workout at least four days a week. I’m just getting back into the creative work. I tried video production again, but I don’t think I’m ready to get back into the challenge of deadlines and schedules just yet. That’s when I started writing. It feels a lot better to write and there’s no pressure to post a certain amount of times per week. It’s just a way to express myself freely.

I went and got a tattoo the same week I started my counseling. Yes it sounds like a bad idea, but I had already planned this for months before. I got a jester on my arm, partly because it represents my love of entertainment and creating content, but also a reminder of this experience and the mask I had to put on whenever I left my room.

Yes, I have had one more episode since I started seeing a counselor. It happened back in July because of some personal issues I had with someone. But I haven’t had one since then, using the activities I do to release the stresses I still go through.

Main Lesson

So why am I writing this? It’s really for two people. The “normal” person who is trying to understand more about their friend or family member that is going through a similar issue (remember, each situation is unique in their own ways). And for the person who is going through these issues. Feeling like they're alone and no one understands or constantly belittles what they go through. Trust me, you’re not the only one.